Another step toward her, two feet away. He reached for her, praying she would take his hand.
“But is that such a bad thing? Why fight what I think we both are starting to feel?”
She eyed his hand. She bit her lip, her face contorted with pain and sadness and confusion. Brow furrowed, she half made to take it, the battle slowing, the desire growing. And Sebastian held his breath, certain that she was finally going to drop the wall she had erected around herself and admit the truth.
“What you think you feel…” She looked away and turned from him. “It is a game to you, Sebastian. That is all it has ever been.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Lies and tricks so that we do not know the truth from deception. Nothing has changed, my feelings especially.” He heard her wince but could not see her face. “This marriage was only meant to be for convenience, and that is all it will ever be.”
“You do not believe that.”
“That’s just it. You do not know me nearly well enough to say that. I am sorry, Sebastian, but I… I need to be left alone.”
With that, she strode away, up the stairs and into the manor, not once looking back at him.
Sebastian stayed where he was, his hand outstretched, confusion crashing down on him like waves on the beach.
He wished he could have said that he was surprised by what had happened, that he had not expected it. But as he stood there,thinking of his wife and what he knew about her, he realized that perhaps he was the fool in this.
She had only ever promised him one thing, and tonight she delivered on it fully. And Sebastian, daring to take a chance like he never had before, was left to pick up the pieces of his shattered reality.
This is why I never wanted to marry. This is why I have always known it was a fool’s errand. Love is not real. Happiness is a lie. Marriage has but one purpose, and it has nothing to do with love.
CHAPTER 23
Helena spent the following two days avoiding Sebastian.
There was a time, once, when such a thing had been easy to do. She had not even needed to try, because Sebastian had been the one avoiding her.
Strange to think how angry that once made her. Stranger to think that she was feeling desperate now for those early days, because at least then she had known how he felt about her. And how she felt about him.
She meant to spend this time writing. Once, that was all she wanted to do, and hours would pass like minutes, so it was not until darkness came and she could no longer see the words in front of her eyes that she knew it was time to stop.
Now, those hours felt like days stretched to a breaking point, and although she sat at her desk with her quill in hand for two days straight, not so much as a single word was written.
More than once, she heard footsteps down the hallway. And every time she did, she would pause, look at her closed door, hold her breath, and wonder if Sebastian was going to come to her. Telling herself she did not want him to, knowing that to be a lie.
I should just go to him and explain. Sit him down, tell him of what I decided, how I came to that decision, and why it is best that we both accept it.
But she was scared. Terrified that if she tried, the words would not come. The explanation, although making perfect sense, felt weak and frail like paper dipped in water. And she feared that if she looked into Sebastian’s eyes, seeing in them memories of who he was and how she felt about him, she would break, and the resolve she held so strongly would be a pitiful thing.
Hiding away was the only course of action.
The obvious downside of this was that it gave her time to think. Too much time, to be honest. And try as she might, she could not forget the last time she and Sebastian spoke. When he had confessed to her, her response, as cold as it was, and how much it broke him.
Did I make a mistake? Should I not have been so stubborn? Had he said those words to me earlier on the very same day, Imight have given in and accepted the truth of them. Not just his words, but how they made me feel. Dammit, I had wanted to hear those very words!
It was just as these thoughts battered and bruised Helena’s conscience that she would force her thoughts back to her mother and her sister. She would remind herself of what she had seen and what it represented. She would look at her novel, she would remember her dreams and all she had ever wanted in this world, and she would hold onto those thoughts with dear life.
Marriage was a trap. She would not become its victim. This marriage was one of convenience only, and that was how it would stay.
That Sebastian did not come to her for those two days told her that he was starting to realize this. For the best, she decided. The only possible outcome.
But then why did it hurt so darn much?
Helena started awake. She sat up in bed, confused and rattled because she could not say what had awakened her.
