“There was,” he hissed, his anger mounting. “I knew how hard his life was. I knew he had nothing. And every winter that passed, I knew well the struggle he was put through. We would spend the day together, I was happy to pretend that we were the same, only to return to a warm home, food on the table, with not a damn care in the world. And Thomas…” He was shaking, and Helena put an arm around him. “He had nothing. Nobody.”
“That’s why you helped build the orphanage.” It wasn’t a question.
“I never wanted someone else to suffer as Thomas did. He did not deserve it, just as no child does. Treated as less because of where they were born. Their life expendable for no good reason. It is not right.”
“But you are helping,” she pointed out. “You are doing so much.”
“Not nearly enough,” he sighed. “One orphanage helps, but there are hundreds like Thomas. Worse, wanting to help them is seen as a weakness by my so-called peers. I am forced to act a certain way, play their game, slowly moving pieces together that I hope might lead to something. I…” He shook his head, his shoulders slumping. “I failed Thomas and Helena. I cannot fail again.”
His body sagged, exhausted from reliving what was the hardest moment of his life. And Helena, to her credit, did not push for more or try for words of condolence because they would do no good.
What she did instead was exactly what Sebastian needed. She stayed silent but kept her arm around him for comfort, showing him that she was there for him, as he should have been for Thomas. And what was more, she did not judge him.
The remainder of the ride passed in silence, and for that, Sebastian was grateful. But he could feel Helena’s compassion for him in the way she held him and how she looked at him. He could feel the gap between them closing. He could sense the change slowly taking them both.
He had married her for good reason, and that was still what mattered most. But if more might come out of this marriage, he wondered what Thomas would think.
Likely, Thomas would be proud of him. Likely, he would simply be glad to hear that Sebastian was happy.
Happy…
Rarely had Sebastian felt such a thing since Thomas died, and he could not help but wonder if he ever would again. Or if he even deserved it.
CHAPTER 25
They reached the manor at an early hour. By that time, Helena was physically and mentally exhausted.
She had been up all night, her thoughts focused entirely on Daniel. Relief had swept over her when they realized he was going to recover, the little energy she had left draining out of her almost as soon as they climbed into the carriage to head back home.
She might have fallen asleep on that ride, were it not for Sebastian. At first, she simply did not want to leave him on his own. As much as she had struggled with Daniel’s illness, it very nearly destroyed her husband, and she felt the need to sit by his side and hold his hand so he would know that she was there for him.
Helena did not care in the moment about the promise she had made to herself. She did not care a damn about the message it might send. Seeing Sebastian with Daniel and realizing just howmuch she admired him and what he was doing, she chose to look past what she thought she wanted and think about what truly mattered.
Sebastian isn’t like other men. And this marriage isn’t like other marriages. I keep trying to make it so. I continually force myself to believe it. Maybe it’s time I accept the truth.
So she sat with him. She held his hand. She let him know silently that she was there for him. And she did not care for a second how it might look.
What she couldn’t have expected was the story he told her. As if she were not already fighting against her conscience and her very way of being with every ounce of strength she had, his tale of Thomas and the events that led him to open the orphanage touched her deeply and broke her with just as much brutality.
She had listened. She had seen the pain in his eyes and heard it in his voice. She had stopped trying to picture him as the man she wanted him to be and started to see him as the man he was. A man worth giving herself to. Maybe a man worth loving.
So it was that by the time they arrived home, Helena was utterly exhausted. She and Sebastian trudged out of the carriage and into the manor, limping and dragging their feet because both needed rest like nothing else.
Her mind was on her bed. The climb up the stairs looked treacherous but was worth the cost. She offered Sebastian a softsmile, wanting him to see that things were not as they had been. That maybe once they were both rested, they could talk.
Yet, before she had the chance to bid Sebastian farewell so that she might finally lay down her head and consider everything that had happened, Sebastian reached out and took her hand.
“Where are you going?” he asked. His voice was soft, trembling, and his eyes were still red-rimmed.
“I…” She hesitated, looking at his hand, caught between peeling it off as she knew she should and giving in. “To bed. It has been a long night…” An awkward chuckle. “I think we both need rest.”
“What I told you just now,” Sebastian continued, still holding her hand. “I have never told anyone that story.”
“I know.”
“I’ve always felt embarrassed by it. And ashamed.” He squeezed her hand, his eyes looking everywhere but at her. “But I don’t want to feel that way anymore.”
“Sebastian, there is nothing to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong.”
