Only so much had changed last week. And what if, with it, Sebastian had changed his mind? What if he no longer saw the point in trying and was set to end this marriage quickly and move on from her and the orphanage?
Helena tried not to think about it.
When she arrived home, she hurried to her room, set on writing. It was the only thing she could do to clear her mind, a way to pour her emotions onto a page and clear them from her thoughts. That was how it used to be.
She sat down. She dipped her quill in the inkpot. She hovered it above the page and… nothing.
Her mind was fractured into a million little pieces. Those pieces shifted and moved about, refusing to settle. It confused her greatly. It even hurt. She wanted to write down all the bad that had happened, to spell it out so she could move on. But such things were not so easy.
As a girl, writing had always been a way for her to escape. When her parents were upset with her. When she was angry or afraid. When she was bored. When she was happy. Writing was her way of being free, even if she felt like she was in a prison.
As things stood, she knew that to try and write her way through the sadness would be to lie to herself. She could not escape this by vanishing inside her head. She could not be free when she felt so trapped. And the answers she sought were not to be found in ink.
She needed to know what was going on with her and Sebastian—what wastrulygoing on. Why had he lied to her? Why had he changed so quickly? And what did he want?
She needed to know about the orphanage. Had he given up on the children? Was he still trying to help them? Where had he been this last week?
And most of all, she needed to know about her future. That was the most important thing.
When this was all said and done, what was in store for her and Sebastian?
She could guess. She could imagine. But until she knew the truth, she would be trapped, and no amount of writing would change that.
It was just then that she heard the front doors of the manor opening, and she knew it was Sebastian returning from wherever he had been.
He would not come to her, and he would not want her to come to him. Despite how much she wanted to, Helena knew that to avoid him would be to avoid the truth she needed. A truth that might hurt more than anything, but would also set her free.
She sighed and set down her quill.
She took a deep breath and rose from her chair.
She turned around and settled her beating heart and knotted stomach and then walked out of her room.
It was time that she and Sebastian had a talk. One that she knew would change everything.
CHAPTER 32
Helena found herself in Sebastian’s study not two minutes later. The door was open, so she stepped inside as she knocked once.
“Sebastian, might I have a word?”
Sebastian looked up from the desk and then immediately looked back down. “Can it wait, Helena? I am a little busy.”
She hesitated, wincing back the pain of his words. That he could be so dismissive of her, so cold and cruel. That alone should have told her everything she needed to know.
Only, it wasn’t good enough. She was through wondering. Through guessing. And through walking on eggshells around the man she had very nearly fallen for. One who, despite everything, she still had deep feelings for. If only he had the same feelings for her.
“No, it cannot wait.” She strode into the room. “We need to talk. Now.”
She stood across from his desk and folded her arms. Then, she fixed the top of his head with a glare that refused to be broken.
“What is this about?” He sighed deeply.
“Look at me, Sebastian. The least you can do is pretend to care.”
He had before him mounds of paperwork, and she couldn’t begin to guess what it was about. But it mattered not, because nothing would deter her. And luckily, he must have sensed it, because he sighed again and looked up at her.
She felt a pang in her chest to see the look on his face. Disinterested. Annoyed. As if she were a stranger who had wandered into his study. No sense at all that he had once held deep feelings for her. No sense that he ever would.
