And then so very close were her lips. He found himself drawing closer there, and pausing.
His first conscious thought returned.
Dare I?
Though Dominic waited for Verity to move, to react, to tell him she didn’t want this, she didn’t. Her breathing remained short and she kept her eyes closed. But he could tell she was there, listening. Waiting. Wondering.
As he dropped his gaze to consider her lips, Dominic considered what it might be like to kiss her.
Then he recalled the question Cassian had asked him this evening only hours prior. It was a lifetime ago. But return it did, haunting and chilling him from the inside out.
“Do you love her?”
It wasn’t a fair question because there couldn’t be a fair answer. Love wasn’t something real. He had seen this repeatedly through his lifetime. Fondness and respect could take place in a marriage for some, and he looked for that here, but nothing else.
He didn’t want to increase the list of lies in this marriage, and knew he had to pull back. There was a twinge of regret he needed to push down first.
“Dominic?” Came a whisper from Verity as she opened her wide hazel eyes to look at him. There were questions shining in those glints of gold, waiting for him to explain himself.
Whatever moment might have existed now fell apart.
He drew back. When he dropped his hands, she hiccupped with surprised eyes. There was an awkwardness that settled in the quiet between them that almost made him wince.
“I shouldn’t…” Dominic started. Turning his gaze away, he rose to his feet. “Verity…” He stood and eyed the mess of pillows. The sight of his wife left behind there, slouched with her wide eyes following him. He couldn’t offer her strength when he was weak. Regret clenched inside his gut as he offered a partial bow. “Good night.”
“You’re leaving me?”
There was no way to answer that question. And yet it haunted him as he left her.
He strode from the library as quickly as he could without running. Shame followed in his wake. He could feel Verity’s eyes on him all the while, confused and hurt without understanding.
The shame was better than giving her less than she deserved. It would be his shame and not hers to bear.
A little hurt now will save her in the long run should she ever dream of love here. I can offer her the money, the houses, and the horses. But I have no heart to offer her and I will not be so cruel as to create false hope. She is strong and will realize in time this is for the best.
Dominic called forth his valet who spoke little between his yawns. Dawn was fast approaching. He eventually collapsed into his bed only to stare at his canopy with eyes refusing to stay shut.
His mind was too active. He looked for cobwebs in the corners as he sorted through the past to the future.
Love. What was it really? It didn’t seem likely to exist for all the talk that writers and poets made of the concept. All his childhood provided him were scars and the ability to jump at shadows; that had not done well for him in school until his growth spurt took place. But any friends he had through the years didn’t particularly provide any other forms of love either.
Even if I could believe in love, I cannot offer it to Verity. Not when I know the truth about her uncle.
“He wasn’t what you thought,” Dominic murmured into the quiet night, trying to imagine telling Verity the truth. He sat up with a groan while the heels of his hands pressed into his eyes. “He was a scoundrel, a cheat, a… You could have… What the devil am I doing?”
If only he had thought to change the subject. Redirect her from it before he could watch her cry over the very man he’d seen fall to his death.
“It was an accident,”Cassian said. Would always say.
But did it matter? Dominic mused for a minute imaging just what would happen should he announce the truth of the incident, to tell someone.
It would be an avalanche of harm. Everyone would be hurt now. He would be called into question for not announcing it earlier, Cassian could be arrested, and his entire family would…
Would they even believe me? If Cassian admitted it, what would they do? What would Verity think?
Falling back into bed with a heavy groan, Dominic threw a pillow over his face. Darkness greeted him. He breathed into the pillow. His valet had anointed it with a lavender scent, calming the beating of his heart.
The secrets needed to remain secret. He knew this. It was a secret he would have to take to his grave now.
