I pressed my lips together.
“Isn’t it, Eleanor?” he urged, taking a step toward me on the couch.
“Of course I went here because of you!” I exclaimed, throwing my hands up. “Of course I wanted to stay close to home. Of course I had other offers from bigger, better schools. But I chose you. I wanted you.”
“Then why can’t I choose you, too?” he shot back. “Why can’t I sacrifice the things I want so that I cankeep you?”
The idea of Sully sacrificing anything tore at my insides, but I lowered my arms and nodded. “You can. Of course you can. If that’s what you really want. After you graduate, you can come out to Boston, or I can move back here, or?—”
“Jesus fuck. You’re not going to change your mind about going, are you?”
I fell silent.
Because no, I couldn’t really see myself changing my mind. I didn’t want to say goodbye, but I wanted to give him the space to decide if that was what he needed. And how was I supposed to give him space if I was here? Where was I supposed to go? I couldn’t go home, couldn’t move back in with my mom, couldn’t let the walls close in on me again.
“Christ, El.” He dragged a hand down his face and resumed pacing. “Fuck, sometimes…” He hesitated, biting down on his lip.
“What?” I prodded.
He wouldn’t look at me. “I just—my dreams might be more than just you, but sometimes I wonder if your dreams even have me in them.”
What?
No.
“That’s not?—”
“Stop, just stop.” He shook his head. “It’s fine, El. I’m not going to beg you to stay. You already stayed long enough, and that wasn’t fair to you. Besides, you’ve clearly already decided what you want, and it doesn’t include me. It doesn’t even includeconsideringme.”
His stony expression was making everything inside me turn icy-cold, something I was so unfamiliar with when it came to him.
“Sawyer, you’re the only thing I consider…ever. And I just want you to have everything. Ineedyou to have everything.” Because I knew I couldn’t, and I at least needed him to. “It’s what you deserve.”
“Holy shit, Ellie.” The look he was giving me was unfeeling now. The emotion had slipped away, and he was wearing a mask, something he never usually did with me. I’d seen him use it with other people. I’d seen him smile when he wanted to stay quiet. I’d seen him laugh when nothing was funny. I’d seen him curate a blank expression when hewanted to yell. And that was what he was doing right now. “Would you stop? Stop trying to convince me you’re doing this for me when it’s so painfully clear?—”
He broke off when the mask slipped, and pain twisted his expression. “You leaving will change nothing for me. I hope you know that. I will always want you. I will always need you like I need to breathe. But I won’t beg you to stay, and I won’t beg you to come back. Because it’s clear to me that you don’t want that.”
And then he looked at me like his heart was breaking, and his unspoken words hung in the air.
It’s clear to me that you don’t want me.
Which wasn’t the truth.
It would never be the truth.
But I needed to do this. I needed to give him a chance. And then if he still wanted me, I’d come back. He wouldn’t have to beg. This was temporary. This was a gut check that he wouldn’t take unless I left.
I’d come back.
He might not believe it now, but I would.
If he wanted me to, I would.
I always would.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
ellie
