At this point, I was struggling not to throw up, and it took me a few seconds of steadying myself before I could figure out how to say the words again.
Sully looked like he was about to jump out of his skin while he waited for confirmation.
“I’m pregnant, Sully.”
There was a tick in his jaw as soon as I said the words, and I winced.
The shaken look on his face was not promising. And the hollow sound in his voice when he finally spoke again was even worse.
“You’re—” He cut himself off, rubbing his jaw and turning around so I couldn’t see his face.
I hated that, but I was grateful that he’d finally moved, showed some kind of life outside of his tortured expression. His statuesque state had been scaring the shit out of me.
I slid off the counter, my knees buckling a little when my feet hit the floor.
“I can’t fucking believe this,” I heard him murmur, and my stomach dropped, landing right next to my heels on the linoleum.
My hands were shaking now as I wiped the nervous sweat from my palms on my back pockets.
“Look, I know?—”
“I think I changed my mind.” Sully turned halfway around so I could see his tense profile. He was shaking his head, like he could reject the information he’d just learned, get it out of his mind. “I don’t—I don’t think I can do this.”
Fuck.
It was hard to say what I thought was going to happen when Itold Sully about the baby. I’d been too afraid to imagine it, to pile my hopes onto the scenario. But I never expected him to react likethis.
He’d told me, that night in Boston, that he didn’t hate me. But right now, he sure as hell was acting like he did.
I’d thought my heart was as broken as it could get, but this, all of this, was proving me wrong. Pieces of me I didn’t know existed were breaking off and fracturing into teeny, tiny pieces.
“You don’t—” I had to try again when my voice caught. “You don’t have todoanything, Sully. I just?—”
“No, I don’t think I can dothis.” He made a swirling motion with his hand, gesturing to the house around us. “You, here, living in this house,my house, and making a home while pregnant with some other guy’s baby. After the way things went between us, El? After what you said, aftereverythingwe—” He forcibly stopped his words from coming out, choking on a breath while I tried to find mine again. I never liked interrupting Sully, not when everyone else seemed to do it to him when his words wouldn’t stop. This felt like an appropriate exception, though. If only I could get my words out faster, figure out what to say. “Fuck, Eleanor. Why does it have to be here? Why do you have to behere? Is it your mom? To be close?”
He flung his arm, pointing across the street, and my heart shattered a little when his gaze found mine. His chest heaved, and his eyes…his cerulean eyes looked soulless, haunted.
Oh, Sawyer.
I hadn’t even thought, hadn’t even considered, that he might not naturally come to the right conclusion. It seemed so obvious to me, that this baby had to be ours. But Sully had seen that stack of condoms I’d brought with me to Boston, had questioned me on them, had glared at how many there were. And knowing him, that was still in his mind. That steel trap of a mind that didn’t forget anything.
“No.” I shook my head, wringing my hands.
“No?”
“No,” I whispered, taking a tentative step forward.
He took a step back, and if possible, my heart cracked into smaller pieces.
But I didn’t let it stop me.
“No, it has nothing to do with my mom.” I tried to speak calmly. It was easier to do, easier to get the words out now that I understood him, knew what was happening in his mind. “I love her, and I will always care for her, but you know we’re not close like that. That’s not why I’m here.”
I inched toward him, and he took to looking at the ceiling, like he knew we had to finish this conversation, knew he couldn’t run away, but didn’t know what to do about my proximity and the way it seemed to pain him.
“Why, then?”
His voice was dull, almost emotionless, and I knew I had to draw him out before he retreated too far into his head.
