We have to work together.
I’ve known him for a few hours, and he’s already talking about showing me what content is, admitted he never stays in the same place, and he likes my brand of cream soda. Ethan seems polite and kind, and I just left him holding a boot in his hand like a loser.
Oh god.
What if I misread it and he wasn’t flirting? What if he was just asking a simple question about my preferences? Removing my hat, I run a hand through my hair and huff out a breath. Goddamn my brain for not working as it should. Just because he’s nice to look at and easy to talk to doesn’t mean he wants to settle down with me and my issues.
Settle down? Groaning, I let my head bonk against the wall outside. I’m a disaster. I’m not single and forty because I’m oblivious. I’m single and forty because I don’t have a lick of sense with reading people’s intentions of a sexual nature.
I can’t disappoint Jesse. The ranch needs this. I’ll just reset the day and start over. Wipe the slate clean and embrace the bull horns…or something like that.
Confident I’m under control, I return inside to find Ethan at the cashier.
“So you’re just going all in and getting the boots today, too, huh?”
My body uncoils when Ethan flashes me a smile, and there’s no awkward tension between us.
“Yep. It’s something I’ve always wanted, so thank you for making it happen. Life is too short not to buy the boots.”
It’s hard not to smile when he’s so happy about a pair of boots. They’re sexy too, even though I didn’t confirm that earlier, but I’ll keep that to myself.
After he pays, I help him with his bags, and we step back outside. The sun is bright and warm, and even though I just had a small case of nerves, it still feels like a good day.
“Do you think you could introduce me to the horses you take on the trail rides today?”
My answering grin is so large it hurts.
“Next to riding them, that’s one of my favorite things. We can do that.”
Yep, today will be a good day.
Yesterday wasn’ta great day after all.
After introducing Ethan to the horses, I couldn’t shake the complicated emotions Ethan stirred. He was so…cute.
Ugh. Who even says that anymore?
Scrubbing a hand over my face, I roll my head toward my alarm clock. It’s only 3 AM, but sleep tonight has been pitiful. Almost as pitiful as me describing Ethan as cute. I’m a mature adult, and that’s the best I can do?
Swinging my legs out of bed, I shove my feet into myslippers and shuffle to the living room. After flicking on a lamp, I find my journal nearby and open it to a fresh page. One of the best things to come out of my therapy-filled teenage years was discovering how I could feel better after unloading all my feelings onto paper.
I’m not always great at voicing my emotions, but I can write them down. One of the first things I unpacked was the box with my journals. Journals filled with my thoughts and emotions that go back to when mom died sit on a shelf next to a stack of empty ones. I know I don’t need to keep the older journals, but it feels disrespectful to just throw all my deepest thoughts into a recycle bin.
With a sigh, I open the journal to a fresh page, click the horse-patterned pen, and write.
3 AM, Tuesday, April 14
Yesterday, the ranch hired a new guy to promote the place. He’s a city guy, and he’s never been on a horse, but he fed Trixie a carrot. I liked watching him smile. He’s handsome, not cute. I like how he’s confident in everything. Although I think the horses made him nervous, he was very good at hiding it. Ethan moves all the time! He’s even lived in Canada, and he’s so comfortable moving so much. That’s weird to me, but I’m jealous. Sometimes I wish I could be more like him and explore or adventure, but when I think about that too much, I get that feeling all over, likeI need to run and hide. Like the world might disappear, maybe.
It reminds me of how I felt when Uncle Albert asked if I wanted to move when we both had more choices. Leaving Chance felt too much like leaving Mom’s memory behind then.
But something new happened yesterday, and I don’t know how I feel about it. He takes a lot of pictures because that’s what he does. He promotes with them like advertisements, I guess. He said he’d show me what he does. Anyway, he was taking photos of himself with horses, and for a quick second, I wished I could take photos with him. I don’t mind being in photos, but this is different because I wanted to actually be next to him and smile into the phone beside him.
I’ve never felt that before, and I’m not sure if it means something or not, but it’s kept me up tonight, and that’s why I’m writing this. Part of me really wants to step into his world and try something new, but we’ve only just met, and it feels weird.
Leaning forward, I set the pen and journal on the table. Things always feel better once I write them out, and this time is no different. I feel better, but I’m not sure what to make of it all. I’ve certainly never had a sleepless night thinking about someone feeding a horse before.
It’s likely more than that, but I don’t want to keep thinking about it right now.
