Later, as he climbs into bed, the four unread messages that await him are no surprise, but theyarea comfort. A constant, practically, at this point. Settling back into his pillow nest to type his response, Ashton feels content, but he also begins wondering whether he made the right series of decisions tonight, standing there in the doorway, saying goodbye to Link. Whether perhapsheshould have been the one to make the first move, stepped forward and told Link plainly what he was feeling, what he desired.
It’s not as if Link doesn’t know how emotionally draining this whole process has been for him. He knows all too well the reluctance Ashton carries when it comes to letting someone in, the fear that he harbors of making a mistake, of creating another situation like the one he went through with Whitaker.
That’s a sobering thought.
Suddenly horrified, Ashton wonders ifLinkthinks he seeshimthat way. If, in Link's mind, he’s being viewed as the same sort of risk, the same potential mistake, and nothing more. It’s true that Link's words on the screen are the same flirtatious sweetness that Ashton has become accustomed to receiving from the man, but the way that he never eventriesto test the waters in person is telling.
That’s it. That’s enough.
Ashton makes the decision, right then and there, that he needs to be more careful with Link's heart. He needs to ensure that he doesn’t end up trampling all over it in a misguided attempt to guard his own. Yes,heis important, and proceeding with caution in new relationships is prudent. That’s a lesson Ashton needed to learn, but at the same time, he never wanted to become selfish or cold.
The very thought that he might have hurt Link in some way, even a little and by accident, is heartbreaking.
After work tomorrow, Ashton will say something. He’ll extend an olive branch and see if Link seems receptive. That’s easy enough—a drink together, perhaps, nothing serious. It’s nerve-wracking, but deep down, Ashton knows that he has nothing to fear.
Over the past few weeks since they met, Link has been nothing but supportive and kind. He’s only ever shown interest in Ashton and handled him with care, doing everything possible to empower and help him to cope, to move on. It’s an uncomfortable realization for Ashton that perhaps he hasn’t been doing as much as he could be to return the favor, to lift Link up in the same sort of wonderful way.
Self-awareness is a journey, Ashton supposes. At least he sat with it, and now that he knows, he can work hard to be better. Link deserves that.
They exchange another handful of superficial texts, Link relaying that he’s excited for Ashton’s first day tomorrow.
Link
be nice to have someone other than Sam to bitch about shit with??
Link
bring your best petty
Ashton
oh, i can be petty, just you wait
Ashton
after i left Whitaker, his cable TV subscription was still logged in on my phone. there was a built-in remote one could use to change the channel, I used to wait until I thought he was home and turn the station. repeatedly. eventually, he canceled his cable.
Link
have i told you yet today that you’re awesome?
Ashton
have i told you that i think you are awesome, too?
Link
??
Long after they’ve exchanged their second set of goodnights for the day, Ashton burrows down underneath his blankets with the darkened phone still clutched between his hands. Warm and fuzzy, he stares up at the ceiling and wonders how it’s possible that he’s managed to fall so far, so fast. It’s been a mere handful of weeks, and he already can’t remember what life was like before Link became the virtual center of it.
It’s hard to wrap his mind around how much he’s changed. Or how he couldpossiblybe so sure, already—and he is—that he wouldn’t change a thing.
?
Chapter 5
It’s pouring rain the next morning, windy and cool. The sky is gray, the ground wet and sloppy when Ashton makes the drive from his apartment in the city back to the Soul-arium. Despite the overhang at the drive-through, the three seconds his arm is outside the car grabbing his order are enough to soak through the cuff of his shirt, and that’s unpleasant.
