“It was…” I search for the right word and come up empty. “I don’t know how to describe it. It was like—like everything else disappeared. Like the whole world narrowed down to just us, just that moment, just his mouth on mine.”
“That’s poetic as fuck.”
“I’m serious, Tor. I’ve never been kissed like that. I didn’t know kissing could feel like that.”
“And then?”
I hesitate. This is the part I’m not sure I should share. The part that keeps replaying in my head on an endless loop, making my cheeks flush and my thighs clench.
“Win.”Tori’s voice is gentler now. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But I’m here. No judgment.”
“We got interrupted. A caterer walked in.” I take another sip of wine. “He drove me home. I invited him up.”
Tori inhales sharply. “And?”
“And…” I close my eyes, and I’m back there. In my apartment. On my couch. His hands on my body, his mouth on my skin, the weight of him beneath me as I—
“We didn’t have sex,” I say quickly. “Not technically. But we… there was…”
“Fooling around? Heavy petting? Mutual satisfaction?”
“All of the above.”
Tori lets out a sound that’s somewhere between a squeal and a scream. She clamps her hand over her mouth, bouncing on the couch like a kid on Christmas morning. “This is amazing. This is the best news I’ve ever heard. You and Banks—finally—”
“It’s not amazing.” I set down my wine glass before I spill it. “It’s terrifying. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I had a plan. I had rules.”
“Rules?”
“No men. No drama. No losing myself in another relationship.” I press the heels of my hands against my eyes. “I was supposed to stay detached. This was supposed to be fake. And now it’s—”
“Real?”
“I don’t know what it is.” I drop my hands and look at her. “That’s the problem. I don’t know whatany of this means. We haven’t talked about it. He left, and we texted goodnight like normal, and now I’m sitting here trying to figure out if I just made the biggest mistake of my life.”
Tori’s expression softens. She reaches over and squeezes my hand. “Win, honey. You’re allowed to have feelings.”
“I have rules, Tori.”
“Rules are made to be broken.”
“That’s what people say when they’re about to make terrible decisions.” I pull my hand back and reach for my wine again. “I’ve been here before. I know how this ends. I fall for someone, I lose myself, I spend two years picking up the pieces.”
“Banks isn’t Derek.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do know that.” Her voice is firm now. “Derek was a manipulative asshole who made you feel small so he could feel big. Banks is—” She gestures vaguely. “Banks is the opposite of that. He’s awkward and grumpy and terrible at expressing himself, but he would never, ever try to diminish you.”
I think about last night. About the way Banks touched me—reverent, almost worshipful. Like I was something precious. Something valuable.
Derek never touched me like that. Derek rushed through touching me so that I would touch him. Perched in his lap, it felt like Banks would have been happy to touch me, and gaze longingly at me for hours.
“He’s different,” I admit quietly. “I know he’s different. But that doesn’t mean I know what I’mdoing.”
“Since when does anyone know what they’re doing?” Tori refills both our glasses. “Love isn’t a business plan, Win. You can’t strategize your way through it.”
“Who said anything about love?”
