Smell first. Always the smell first now. Vomit. Sweat. Blood—copper, hers. Still coating my teeth. My tongue keeps finding it, keeps checking, like it might not be true if I check enough times.
The smell that won't leave.
The chains are gone. When? Doesn't matter. Time isn't doing its job anymore. It skips, drops things, I fall through the gaps and land somewhere later with no memory of the falling.
I push up. Everything hurts. Different hurt. Not the door-hurt or the wall-hurt. Those are clean, those are mine, I did those. This is?—
Don't.
My hand.
The compass. Black ink, needle pointing—north, always north, toward?—
You're my first. My last. Sophia Sinclair.
I said that. In the dream. Before. Before the hair went dark and the eyes went dark and?—
The compass is looking at me.
I look at it, and something that isn't quite a thought moves through the haze. Slow. Heavy. Like trying to read words underwater.
Not true.
Not true anymore.
Liar.
The needle points north, and north is her, and what's at the end of the needle now, what's actually there if you follow it all the way?—
Mary's face. The poker. Blood on the floor.
No. Wrong direction. Other direction.
Sophia. Green eyes. Gold?—
Dark hair. Dark eyes.I always knew your cock would?—
Stop.
I can't say it. The word is there and it won't come out. It's stuck somewhere behind my teeth with her blood and the smell that won't fucking leave. Just like her. She won’t leave. She’s everywhere. Always…everywhere. Dark hair. Dark eyes. Greedy hands.
“Leave…” Where are the words? Why don’t they come out?
Leave me alone!
I slam my fist into the floor. There’s no pain. There should be pain. There is pain. But it’s not where it’s supposed to be. It’s on the inside. Deep. Raw. Oozing black and red and rot.
"My son doesn't have a mother."
A voice. Samuel's voice. From—when? Doesn't matter. It's here now, in the gray, looping.
"How could you? She was your sister."
My hands. I look at my hands.
There's nothing on them. Just the compass, the bruising, the split knuckles gone yellow-green at the edges. Nothing else.
I don't…I don't remember.
