All of a sudden, Theo picked me up and backed me towards the wall, pinning me there with the weight of his body, and I let him, heart hammering against my ribs. His hands slid down to my hips, gripping hard enough to almost bruise, and I arched into him, craving more, cravingeverything.‘God, you drive me crazy,’ he muttered against my skin, voice rough, before again trailing a line of frantic kisses down my neck, my collarbone, anywhere he could reach.
His hands were everywhere; my waist, my thighs, my back, touching like he was afraid I might slip away if he stopped for even a second.
When he finally lifted me, I wrapped my legs around his waist without thinking, clinging to him as he carried me towards the bedroom, his mouth never leaving mine for long. Every kiss, every touch, every ragged breath between us screamed of something bigger than lust – something urgent, desperate and real.
And for once, I didn’t think. I didn’t question.
I just let myself fall.
Chapter 17
I never imagined I’d find myself making a full English breakfast for a man on a Sunday morning. Me – a lifelong believer in a matriarchal society where men would have to prove their worth before even being welcomed into it – standing there in my bathrobe, blasting Sam Cooke on Spotify, and flipping bacon and eggs (with my good spatula!) for Theo like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Last night felt like something out of a movie. The way Theo and I made love was so natural; it was as if we’d known each other our whole lives. He allowed me yet again to take the reins – something he knew now turned me on – allowing me to fully bask in my femininity and confidence, making me feel invincible. We lost ourselves in each other again and again, three, maybe four times last night, until I was trembling, glowing, completely undone in the best way.
And now I was here making him breakfast; go figure.
I was mid-toast, butter knife still in hand, when his arms snuck under mine and spun me around, stealing a kiss so passionate it felt like something straight out of a romcom. I couldn’t help but laugh – I thought moments like this only happened on screen?
‘Hey you,’ he murmured, cheekily grabbing a slice of toast.
‘Morning, love,’ I replied, returning to plate the fry-up. Icould get used to this. After dishing the plates, we sat down on the sofa together, taking in the last few hours. I’d decided that I wanted to see him more regularly again, and wanted to know his thoughts on it.
‘So, when do you want to see each other again?’ I said, clearing the plates. Theo looked at his phone in response, his gaze focused intensely for a few moments before responding.
‘Hmm. I’ve got a couple of clients I’m seeing tomorrow and Tuesday after work, so I’d be free from Wednesday onwards?’
And in that moment the strangest thing happened. It felt like my heart had frozen solid and dropped straight into the pit of my stomach. Of course I knew he was still seeing other women ‘professionally’, but I just didn’t expect him to mention it so casually, especially after what he’d shared last night – especially after how we spent the last night.
‘Clients as inOuiMeetclients?’ I mumbled, turning my head slightly so he couldn’t see the disappointment in my face. I could only hide this sudden jealousy for so long.
‘Oh … yeah. Why?’ he said with a subtle puzzled look on his face, which only made me feel more resentful. I decided to just spill; better out than in.
‘I mean, after everything you were saying last night, you almost made it sound as if you wanted us to – I don’t know – go steady or something. Why would you still be sleeping with other women if that were the case? Or maybe I misunderstood last night.’
The solemn expression Theo had worn all this time suddenly gave way to confusion; something I had anticipated. Just last night – in between us having sex and lying in each other’s company, we’d had a few chats trying to come up with a suitable conclusion.
I’d reminded him that I wanted to keep things strictly transactional between us for now – that it was purely a sexual thingat the moment, which although he wasn’t the most pleased about hearing, he seemed to accept for now. So at this moment, I could understand why he might be confused. The truth was, I didn’t know where this sudden wave of jealousy had come from either.
‘Cassandra – I’m confused. Last night you said you wanted to keep things transactional for now, so why do you care about who I’m sleeping with? It’s a job. I don’t have any emotional attachment to those ladies, if that’s what you’re really trying to find out.’
It felt like I was drifting outside my own body – watching, powerless, as the jealous, aching part of me took over. The logical side tried to reason with it, reminding me this was just part of his job, nothing personal. But reason felt distant, drowned out by something I couldn’t quite name. Whatever I was supposed to feel for Theo was meant to be physical – just physical – but at that moment, I wasn’t so sure any more.
Had I fallen for him? Obviously I had. Duh.
All I knew right there and then was that – as selfish as it was – I didn’t like the idea of him seeing other women while we were together.
‘It’s not even about emotional attachment,’ I started, trying to control my face. The last thing I wanted was for him to assume I was really upset. ‘It’s just weird, don’t you think? To be seeing and sleeping with someone you like, as well as sleeping with other women. It just … it just makes me uncomfortable, I guess.’
Theo stood up and gave an exasperated sigh, holding his head in his hands. Considering my viewpoint on his arrangement, I knew I was asking for a lot.
‘Cassie, you really need to figure out what you want. Am I someone you just want to keep hiring to fulfil your needs? Or do you actually like me? Because I like you. And at thispoint, I’m down for whatever it is you want; but you can’t treat me like a disposable asset and also expect exclusivity – it doesn’t work like that. You were the one who brought up the prospect of dating in the first place and now that I’m offering that to you, you don’t want that either. What is it you want?’
I felt something the size of a grape fall pitifully into the depths of my stomach. It was the fact that I couldn’t even fully refute what he was saying; he was absolutely right. I wanted exclusivity with him on my terms when it came to our physical relationship, but I was also in no position to commit to him in the way I perhaps wanted him to.
‘Theo, I’m sorry. You’re right – and I hate that I’ve put you in this position. The thing is, I really do think you’re amazing. In another life, under different circumstances, I would’ve jumped at the chance to see where this could go, dating-wise. You’re smart, kind, respectful, generous. You make me feel like a fucking queen every time we’re together. You’ve helped me see myself in a way no one else ever has. But I’m scared to mess with whatever this is. Can’t we just keep going the way we have been? Or … maybe just limit it to one other client instead of the three or four? I know it’s not fair to ask, but I’m just being honest.’
I knew I was asking for a lot. I just needed to try my luck. I could see the wheels turning in Theo’s head; I was stressing this boy out, but I didn’t want to let go of a good thing. Theo paced from one end of the living room back to the other, trying to gather his thoughts, until he finally spoke again.
