Five big men squashed into one SUV. It was fucking miserable.Iwas fucking miserable. Listening to Leif sing would have been better. Until he started singing. I might have said 'kill me now' a time or two.
"I told you what would happen," I said, starting to pace again. "I told you she was up to something. Did either of you believe me? No, you didn't. You jumped right on in with both feet, didn't give a shit about the consequences."
"Your feet were there too," Leif pointed out. "And your dick."
Neither he nor Forrest had said much since we left the Christmas party. Both were quietly stewing in their own frustration. Both looked ready to rip someone a new one.
If they thought thatsomeonewas going to be me, they better think again. Also, if they were ripping people a new one, I was going with them. I had anger I needed to burn off. If I didn't do it soon, I was going to explode. Maybe implode. Whatever, it was going to be ugly.
"You didn't buy all of that, did you?" Leif asked. "Everything Benjamin Kohl said about Sable?"
I sure as hell didn't want to believe it, but I'd seen her leave. I'd watched her climb into the car with those other two men. She hadn't even looked back. Hadn't looked around for me, hoping I'd come to her rescue. She climbed on in, without a care in the world.
Why would she do that if what he said wasn't true? Why wouldn't she fight back? Tell her father no, she didn't need fucking help. She wasn't sick.
I stopped and pressed my forehead against the wall.
Maybe she was sick. Sick of us. Sick of me. I had tried to kill her a couple of times. I was trying to killforher now, to earn her forgiveness for being an attempted homicidal maniac. Apparently it wasn't enough. She was over all the shit I'd put her through. Why wouldn't she walk away from me?
As for Forrest and Leif, we'd become a package deal. If she was stuck with one of us, she was stuck with all of us. That's what we'd let her believe. If she wanted to be with them, she had to put up with me as well.
"This is my fault," I said to the wall. "I should have walked away. Let you and her have your happiness or whatever." I flapped a hand vaguely. "I'm toxic. I poison fucking everything." I glanced over, waiting for one of them to contradict me."
Neither of them did.
"Fuck you," I told them. I pushed away from the wall and headed for the door. "Have a nice life. Now I'm out of the picture, she might give you another chance."
"Woody," Leif started to say.
Forrest raised his arm in front of Leif's chest. "Let him go. He has to calm down by himself."
"Yeah, what he said," I said bitterly. "Let me go." I unbolted the front door, slid the chain aside, undid the other lock and the other, other lock before I pushed the door open and stepped out, letting it close behind me.
I could have ridden the elevator down, but I took the stairs instead. The long walk might help to cool some of the fury that was burning me up inside.
While I stomped down, I thought about the million things I could have done that would have made things different.
One: killed more people. I could have started with her father.
Two: I should have taken her on a date. We could have snuck around and ended a predator or two. That would have been romantic, am I right?
Would it have been enough? Probably not.
Three: …
"You're hopeless," I told myself out loud. My voice echoed off the walls, thrown back at me, like the bricks were mocking me.
She doesn't have a tally of people she wants you to kill. She wanted to be safe. She'd be safer away from us. Away from me.
She might even be able to have one of those, what are they called? Normal lives. I've heard about them, read about them in books. I can't say I know anyone who has one. I certainly don't.
Why would I want to? Working on the subway and killing people on the side was my thing. It was what I did. What I enjoyed doing. What I was good at. Other people took up tennis. I took out bad guys.
We'd dragged Sable into this world. All of us. Starting with Forrest. We should have known better. What sort of men were we that we brought a woman into this insanity? Killed in front of her. Put her in a position where the senator could get to her?
I ran a hand over my hair. Chances were she was innocent of the things her father said, but we weren't. He was right, she needed help. Help to get away from us.
I finally reached the bottom of the stairs, pushed out the door and into the foyer of the building. I ignored the dude sitting behind the desk, my attention on the other dude who was just stepping into the building.
