I sit down on the floor and curl up into a ball.Fuck.Fuuuuck!
“We need to get ahead of this.”I look up to see Trish in an ‘all-business bun.’She is incredible in a crisis—already springing to action.What am I doing?Panicking.Closing myself off to the world.
“Ahead of it?Like, come out to the media?”My heart is racing.The air feels thin.I stand up and stumble over to the sofa.
“No.Well, maybe?Listen.How do you feel about him?”She’s pacing the room.Watching her makes me feel dizzy.
I don’t have time for this.My throat feels tight.I can’t catch my breath.
“Kyle?Kyle?Are you okay?Talk to me.”
The world fades to black.
I wake up in a familiar room.Notmyroom, but I’ve been here before.I sit up and see flowers on the side table.Trish is sitting on the chair by my bed.
“You’re awake!”she says, looking and sounding relieved.
“And you’re here.I’m here.Sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about, but you maybe should tell me what happened, so I can better help you if it happens again?”
“Sorry,” I say again, because what else is there to say?I drag people into my hell and expect them to fix my mess.
Trish stands up from the chair and strokes my hair, then digs me in the arm with a sharp jab.“Stop saying sorry.You have nothing to be sorry about.I just want to understand so I can help you.”
“Back so soon?”says the familiar nurse.Her voice brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.I have no idea why I’m feeling emotional.Perhaps I’m homesick.
“Couldn’t stay away.The food and the service here are—” I look at my tray of food on the side table: a nondescript yoghurt, what I hope is orange juice and not a urine sample in a plastic cup, and some biscuits, “--optimal.”
“Optimal, huh?Well, we didn’t quite realize we had an international superstar in our midst.Next time you’re here, I’ll be sure to crack open the good stuff.”She smiles, and it lights up the whole room.
She writes some stuff on my clipboard and then leaves.I turn to see Trish still staring at me.
“Fine,” I say to her and sit up into a more comfortable position in bed.“Sometimes, when I get overwhelmed, I have panic attacks.I had one before, and AJ helped me.The nurse who was just in here helped me last time.She told me if I feel one coming on to think of something happy and hold onto it.”
“Who else knows about them?”
“You, AJ, and my parents, and I’d like to keep it that way.I have enough going on right now without the world knowing even more about me.”
“I’ve got you, don’t worry.Want me to call AJ?”
“It’s fine, I’ll text him soon.We’re not a couple, you know.”
Trish gives me a look that says she isn’t buying it.“Oh, so you’re casually sleeping with the second hottest player in the league?”
“Second?”
“Well, you’re not dating yourself, are you?”
I blush.“You don’t have to be kind.I can take care of myself.”
“Of course, you can.I’m just here for when you can’t.”
I give her a smile; that could be one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.I don’t know why people are always nice.I have tried to build my walls so people can’t get in, but they keep finding a way.And then I remember the reason for the panic attack.The photo.Social media.My football career.Will it be over now?
An hour or so later, we’re back home.Trish is already in the kitchen makingthe best protein shake in the world—her words, not mine—and I’m on the sofa doing something I shouldn’t…scrolling on social media.
AlphaBro69: Fighting in the England camp?What next?Gays playing for England?Disgrace!
