For the next hour, I wrote about everything that happened in the last few weeks. How I had planned to get some childish form of revenge on Hawk. How I'd dressed up and acted all fake to get his attention. How I'd wanted to make him fall for me, then pull the rug out from under his feet.
What was I thinking, playing games like that? I wrote about that too. How, if I'd been honest with him and with myself, things might have turned out differently.
I wrote about the ill-fated article and what I should have done differently. If I had the chance, I'd do it all again, the right way this time. I'd talk to Hawk and try to explain. I wouldn't have written the article at all if he objected. I'd be thoughtful and sensitive.
I'd put him before work.
And so,I finished my blog entry,I screwed up the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time, maybe ever, by not being honest and up front.
I re-readthe entry and corrected a few typos and some badly worded sentences. I was careful to check that nothing would identify Hawk. I didn't mention his name, his job or the subject of the article. Anyone who knew the situation would know, but they already did anyway.
Did I question whether or not I should post this? Hell yes, I did.
Was this any better than the first article? In a way it was. This was my way of saying sorry. If one person read it, and this blog post stopped them from ruining something amazing, then it would be worth it.
Since I wasn't working for theNational Dailyanymore, I wouldn't get any exclusives from Hawk. If he hated me even more for this…he wouldn't have to see me and talk to me. He could hate me from a safe distance.
My heart ached, but undoubtedly he'd be relieved. He'd made it abundantly clear he was done with me. This way, we'd have a cleaner break. He could live his life without having to think about me.
As for me… It would take a while longer to move on, but I would. Somehow.
I reread the article again, then pressed 'publish.' The screen went blank and, for a full two minutes, I thought my work was lost.
"Damn, damn, crap," I muttered under my breath.
I pressed 'refresh' a couple of times and got the same blank screen.
I ran a hand over my hair before I did the only thing I could. I picked up the laptop, threw it out the window and shouted "Yeet."
No, wait, I didn't. I pressed the power button and restarted the computer. My heart in my throat, I reopened the blog site. I clicked on my account and exhaled when I saw my post in the drafts folder.
Crisis averted.
Just in case it was a sign, I reread the article and found a typo I missed the first time. I really had meant 'shift'. Oops, themissing F changed the whole sentence. I fixed it and pressed 'publish' again.
This time, the post published. In moments, it was live. I thought about deleting it, but instead I closed my laptop and sighed at yet another cup of cold coffee. That was getting to be a bad habit.
I decided that I'd indulge in another bad habit and grabbed out a tub of ice cream from the freezer. I picked up a spoon out of the drawer and curled up under a blanket on the couch. I channel surfed, and streaming platform surfed until I found a cheesy romance.
I could do with a nice happily ever after right now.
After several minutes of watching the happy couple make doe eyes at each other, I changed to a superhero movie and settled down deeper. A few Hollywood explosions, action and some fight scenes were much more than what I needed right now. Romance was all very well, but I wanted to escape from reality with a hot hero or two.
I dug into my ice cream and sighed. This should be the perfect night, but I'd never felt so alone.
Damn, therearethings ice cream can't fix.
