I wokeup in a not so good mood, so I felt like I needed an emergency session, so I called Mrs. Barrel. I paid a good penny for her, but I felt like it was worth every dime, especially since she was available for me at any time.
“Hello Mr. Pain welcome.” Mrs. Barrel spoke as I walked into her office.
“Hello,” I spoke back.
“So, how has things been going?” she asked.
“For the most part ok, but I woke up not feeling myself. I feel like I’m having less nightmares, but today for some reason I feel off.”
“The less nightmares is good to hear, but what’s with this not so good feeling? Have you tried to talk to your mama?”
“No, haven’t gotten that far yet.”
“Why not, you know you and your mama need to sit down for some closure, Mr. Pain.” I knew she was right but I wasn’t ready for all of that. I just didn’t know how to face the woman that was supposed to be my protector but sold me out for some money. I honestly wouldn’t even cry if she died today or tomorrow, that was how much hatred I had in my heart for her.
“I don’t think we will ever have any closure. I don’t care if I hear her out nothing can ever change her actions.”
“I know you will never forget, but forgiving may help you along the way. Now when I say forgive, I don’t mean you have to let her in your life. I mean forgive so you can go on with your life. I know right now you don’t see anything good going good in your life but your work, and businesses, but one day you’ll meet someone that’s good to you and start a family.” When she said that I paused. I didn’t think I was capable of being anyone’s parent ever. Hell, I didn’t think marriage was in the cards for me either.
“Did I say something wrong Mr. Pain?” She asked.
“I don’t see a family in my future doc. I’m too fucked up for that.” I said being honest.
“Poetic, I don’t want you to ever believe you don’t have any good in you because you do. What happened to you was not your fault. You were a vulnerable little boy with no one around to save your life. So, this is not on you and your heart is only cold right now because of what happened to you.”
“What if I bring kids into this world and something happens to them like that. I know for sure I would do my best to protect them with all my might, but what if I don’t live long and they end up with my mama the one who let me get hurt. The one who was supposed to be my protector.” I said with a drenched face, as the tears were falling uncontrollable.
I hadn’t cried like this in a minute at a session, but these were pinned up feelings I had been having. The fear of not wanting kids made me not have sex often. I’m seriously scared to bring life into this world. I knew Kayla thought I wasn’t attracted to her but that wasn’t it. I just didn’t trust myself enough not to get her pregnant so I just didn’t sleep with her. She wasn’t someone I saw a future with but it was still ok to have her around sometimes to keep my mind off of things.
“Can we talk about something else for now?’ I asked getting tired of crying.
“Yes anything you want, let’s talk about your business. Are you still not hiring child actors?”
“No, I haven’t brought myself to do it, too scared of putting someone’s child’s life in danger.”
“Mr. Pain you have to understand that what happen to you is not your fault. You’re not the monsters that hurt you, if anything those kids would be in the best hands because you will want to keep them safe.”
This was why I loved this lady, she pulled everything out of me and made me wanna change, it was just hard for me. I’m still trying to get a hold of all these feelings, it seemed like the older I got the more this shit bothered me.
“I understand what you saying doc and I have to do one thing at a time at my own pace.”
“OK, well how about we start off by assigning something to you after each session and then we talk about it the next time you come in.”
“I think I can do that doc.” I managed to get a smile out, which was a shock to me after all the damn crying, I was doing. Crying for a man is labeled as a sign of weakness, but I need this it always makes me feel better once I leave. It has me in deep thoughts, but it makes me feel better.
“Alright, that’s exactly what I want to hear Mr. Pain.” Me and Mrs. Barrel talked for about another half hour and I walked out of the office in a better mood.
* * *
After my sessionit was time for me to head into the studio. I thought back to how I had been treating Kayla for the past couple of days. So, I decided to send her some flowers and have Ms. Trish cook us dinner. Once I did the flower order on my phone and shot Ms. Trish a text on the work phone, I started my 2025 Mercedes Benz AMG SL, this was one of my new babies I purchased as soon as I opened the studio. I swear life was great for me, if you were on the outside looking in, but in real life, I was hurting and if I could trade all of this to get this demon off my back and this hatred out of my heart I swear I would.
After dodging in and out of traffic for about twenty minutes I was now pulling into the gates of my massive studio. I had it built to my liking my staff didn’t need to go anywhere. They could even stay here while filming. They had room, food and board for however long they needed to work. I punched the code into the keypad that opened the gate. Then started my journey down the long trail that lead to the door to get in the main lobby. I was so amazed how the studio turned out, especially since I had started it in the dark times of my career. Once I made it to the door one of my men walked up to the car to go park it for me.
“Hello Mr. Pain,” he spoke.
“Hey Jasp, don’t park it under the tree.”
“OK sir no problem.” I hopped out grabbed all my belongings then made my way inside the studio. I looked up and Taylor was sitting there with such worry in her eyes.
