“A few weeks ago, at The Mayor’s Ball when I saw you, my dick instantly got hard. All those old feelings I had for you returned. You look so good since you’ve lost that weight. You look like the woman I married and fell in love with.” Larry rubbed my face with his hands, and I felt sick to my stomach. So, as I learned as I stayed a certain way he wouldn’t leave. What about if we ever got pregnant and I ate anything in sight would I be too “fat” for him then and drive him to leave me for another woman?
I watched him and realized I didn’t feel anything for him anymore. I only wanted to get him back because I felt like I had lost something and I didn’t want to lose. He had outgrown me physically and I had outgrown him mentally. I deserved a man that loved me enough to stay with me whether I gained three pounds or thirty. Larry loved me as long as I didn’t change but I couldn’t guarantee that I would always be that woman he fell in love with.
Maybe the journey hadn’t been about losing weight to get him back. Maybe the journey was about gaining strength, learning that I could lean on myself, and learning that I didn’t need a man’s love to validate me.
“It’s storming outside and unlike the bitch you left me for, I’m not coldhearted. I don’t want you to go back out there in that, so I will offer you the couch for the night. I wouldn’t get back with you if you were the last man on earth Larry. You left me because you thought you found better, but there is no woman alive that can love the way I love, Fat or Skinny. To think I actually begged God to send you back to me. He did just that so I could tell you no thank you. You made your choice, stick with it.” I told him as I walked away and left him standing in the center of the living room with a shocked expression on his face.
“The spare blankets and pillows are in the same closet they’ve always been in,” I called over my shoulder as I walked up the stairs and flipped my hair over my shoulder. When I made it to my bedroom, I shut my door behind me and locked it. I then walked over to my closet and pulled out all of the things that reminded me of Larry. All of the dresses I was holding on to because he told me he loved how they looked on me. Anything that I hated, but he loved, was getting purged like it should have been when he left me.
As I pulled out all of the things that reminded me of the man on my couch, I came across my pair of jeans, the ones that I had to use a safety pin to keep zipped. I had gotten so lost in being the best version of myself that over the past few months I hadn’t bothered to check my progress.
I stepped out of my joggers and slipped the jeans on. The minute I pulled them up they fell right back down and lay in a pool around my feet. I smiled, picked them up from the floor, and threw them in the pile of things that reminded me of the past. I expected pressure in my chest to make me feel uncomfortable; the pressure never came. I had made the right decision by choosing me.
The next morning, I expected to smell coffee brewing because Larry loved to brew coffee in the mornings. When I didn’t smell anything, I got up from the bed and walked downstairs. The couch was empty, and there were the spare blanket and pillow folded up neatly.
There was a piece of paper sitting on top of it.
I walked over to the front door and opened it; Larry’s car was gone from the driveway. I closed the door and walked over to the blanket and pillow; I grabbed the note, unfolded it and began to read it:
My Dearest Ny’Airy.
I’m sorry for being a shitty husband to you and breaking your heart. I didn’t deserve you then, and I don’t deserve you now. I cheated on you with my new wife, and I thought the grass would be greener. BOY, was I wrong. So now, I have to deal with the consequences. You are a good woman don’t make the next man pay for my fucked-up mistakes.
YOUR EX HUSBAND
I reread the note four times, and I didn’t know that I was crying until the tear splashed on the paper. I didn’t need his apology to have closure, but it felt good to get it. I guess the saying was true. Nothing could keep a man that didn’t want to be kept. Not marriage, not a baby, not a skinny body, or a thick one. It had to be in him to want to be loyal. I was thankful that Larry broke my heart because he taught me that the only person I couldn’t afford to lose was myself.
I wiped my eyes, crumpled the note up, and went upstairs to grab the bag of trash that reminded me of Larry and to get into my gym clothes.
Maybe Cozart and I needed to have a conversation.
Maybe he was worthy of the chance that I had been holding for my ex.
Chapter Nineteen
Brichelle “Brick” Walker
“I’ve heard the procedure is painful, are there any other options for… termination?” I asked my primary care physician as I sat across from her in the examination room. I was a thirty something year old woman, but sitting here asking about ending a pregnancy, I felt like a teenage girl who had let her boyfriend go too far on prom night. I felt so unprepared and inexperienced. I still couldn't believe that I was pregnant. I wished I had someone to talk to about this. Another woman could help me figure out what to do.
“The procedure wouldn’t be painful if you are under anesthesia, there is also the pill Mifepristone it is a two-dose pill. The first pill blocks Progesterone, which is the hormone that helps the pregnancy grow. It causes the uterine lining to break down. The second dose is Misoprostol it is taken 24 to 48 hours after the first dose. It’s four tablets, taken orally or they can be inserted into the vagina, and it causes the uterus to contract, cramp, bleed, and empty its contents. It’s sort of like a laxative for uterus. It causes the second part of the miscarriage. I have heard someone describe this process as being very painful,” the doctor told me solemnly.
I nodded my head, unsure of which route to take.
“There is also other options Brichelle aside from terminating your pregnancy,” the doctor told me softly. She pulled a few pamphlets from her lab coat and handed them to me.
“There is this really great adoption agency in Georgia that would make sure the baby goes to a good home. Their vetting process is stricter than the FBI. Parents have to make over a certain amount of money to insure the child has a great life, the parents have to be married, they have to have attended couple’s counseling and got a recommendation from their counselor, this agency is so strict I know that they would put your baby with an amazing family,” she told me as she handed me the pamphlets.
The thought of my child being raised by strangers made me sick to my stomach. It didn’t matter how rich the couple was or how strict they were, my baby would be a stranger that I would expect them to love the way I could love him or her. That would devastate Zumo even more than me terminating the pregnancy. He would fight me for custody and he had rights. He wasn’t a broke YN or a criminal record having construction worker. He was a business owner, tax paying, didn’t do drugs, no record outside of a few parking tickets, the nigga was practically Jesus. I knew because I had looked into him before we started fucking around.
“You don’t have to decide today but, in these cases, time is not on your side. Every day that passes, your baby grows. No decision is still a decision,” the doctor told me as tears filled my eyes.
Before I could reply my phone rang.
I stood from the bed slowly because I was still sore from the car accident. I limped over to my purse and pulled my phone out of it. The number was private and the only person that called me private was the FBI.
“I need to take this doctor,” I said over my shoulder.
“No problem, we are done here. I will get your discharge papers please let me know what you decide because I need to prescribe you a daily prenatal vitamin if you plan to keep the baby. You can reach out to me in your insurance app if you don’t want to make another visit for the vitamins. Good Luck Brichelle,” she told me as she stood to her feet and walked out of the door.
