She lifted her second leg and surrounded both.
I had never seen Sophie look so vulnerable. I also had never seen her look so beautiful.
“She was arrested for shoplifting. It wasn’t her first offense. It was her fifth, and they found narcotics in her purse.”
“Fuck.”
Visuals of Sophie’s life with her mother beganto fill my head. Instability. Drugs. Men probably coming and going. I assumed she had raised Hayden and herself, and nothing about that was easy, not as young as she had been.
A childhood like that would harden someone.
And in her eyes, I could see just what it did to her.
“When her previous offenses came into play, she was given fifteen years. The best part was that she hadn’t stolen food to feed her starving kids at home. She had stolen jewelry so she could pawn it and buy more drugs.”
My head shook—out of anger, out of awe at what Sophie had endured; I didn’t know.
“Were there any good moments that you can recall?”
“No.” She paused. “She was gone long before she was put behind bars.”
She took a deep breath, and I could feel the abandonment in the way she filled her lungs.
“My dad came around every once in a while. Mostly to steal drugs from my mom or to take a shower—whatever he could get from her. Each time, he would make me so many promises.” Her voice started to rise. “We’ll go to the park. We’ll drive bumper cars. We’ll play Putt-Putt. All lies.” She seemed to sink even deeper into the couch. “But I didn’t know that then, so I would count down the minutes while I was at school and run home, only to find the apartment empty, realizing that he’d taken off again.”
She leaned her head back on the cushion and didn’t look at me as she added, “He promised he’d be back for my eighth birthday. He wasn’t. Then he called and said he was coming for my ninth birthday. He never showed up for that one either. But a week after it passed, he called and apologized for missing it and said he was sending a big package in the mail.” She finally glanced at me. Maybe it was due to the break in her gaze, or maybe because the emotional layers were thickening, but thepain in her eyes was really surfacing. “As I’m sure you can guess, the package never came, yet I still ran to the mailbox every day for a month.” She pursed her lips. “Now that I’ve seen his death certificate, I know he died about a week after he called me. So, for three weeks straight, I waited for a gift from a dead man.”
“Sophie …” My voice was so low.
“I was hit from both sides, Colson. That feeling”—she let out a small gasp—“it doesn’t leave you.” She tucked in even smaller. “It burrows. It grows. And when it comes to men, all I ever ask myself is,Will they leave too?” Her hair swung into her face as her head shook. “I can’t fathom it.”
“But Hayden’s never left. He’s been your constant. Right?”
She nodded. “Along with the rest of the guys—Troy, Jones, Callum, Talon, and Leo. We all grew up in the same foster house.”
She stared past me, as though she were remembering. “And when Hayden and I walked through those doors, they became my family. My chosen family, who’s thicker than blood. But that doesn’t make the hurt any easier. That doesn’t take away the memories. That doesn’t mean, just because I had those guys, a childhood spent in foster care was simple and easy and carefree or that the years we had spent living with my mother were enjoyable. Those first eleven years were”—her hand flew to her throat—“rough.”
I wanted to reach for her, but I stayed in my seat. “I can’t even imagine.”
“Some of the hardest parts were making friends in there. When that happened, they’d get adopted, and I’d never see them again.”
“More abandonment.”
Her exhale made her look completely defeated. “So, I kept my bubble small. Those guys, they were as desperate for assuranceand predictability as I was. And that’s why they’re the only ones I’ve ever let in.”
I leaned into my desk and clasped my hands. “Which explains Lush.”
“I needed something for me.” She rubbed her lips together. “Where there weren’t any emotions involved. A place strictly based on pleasure, where the only thing I focused on was orgasms.”
Where she never had to worry about anyone leaving her.
Except that was what I had done the last time we were there together.
Something told me that same thought was on her mind.
Fuck.
“Can I ask some questions, Sophie?”
