“My friends weren’t the good kind of friends,” he says, his voice a little muffled against my shirt. “There were a lot of pills. Other drugs. I’ve been to the hospital. I went to fuckingjailfor a night, covering for a friend when he said that some of the illegal shit on his kitchen counter was mine, not his.”
“Jesus,” I whisper, clutching at the back of his head.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he says. “But being with you feels like it’s been a vacation from my life.”
“It feels like that for me, too.”
He leans back, looking up at me, his expression more serious than I’ve ever seen it. “I’m tired of fucking running from my life. With drugs, in the past. Or hookups. Even alcohol. It’s so toxic, Logan, and I need it to stop.I amfucking toxic.”
“I hurt you,” I whisper, hating it as I realize it.
His eyes go clear as he shakes his head. “No. What?No,Logan. You helped me.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “But the drinking…”
He puts his hand on my cheek.
“You didn’t hurt me. I don’t regret a single fucking thing, Logan. You just reminded me I have to finally change, if I let myself try for once?—”
“I wanted you to visit me in LA,” I blurt out. “It’s all I’ve been thinking about. I wasn’t going to say it, but I can’tnotsay it, so… there it is. I wanted you to visit me.”
His cheeks flush. “Then why does it feel like you’re about to tell me why I can’t, now?”
My chest feels tight. “Because maybe you’re right.”
“Fuck,” he whispers, and it makes my heart quiver, but I have to keep talking.
“Because if youdocome visit me, I feel like I know how it ends.”
His voice is broken. “And how is that?”
I look up at the ceiling, then back at him. “Chase, when we’re together I feel like I'd do anything for you. Anything. You are completely and entirely a craving I can’t control. It's terrifying when IknowI would willingly ruin my life for you. And maybe ruin yours, too.”
He pauses.
And I quickly regret the choice of words I used.
What I meant was that it’s not an easy choice to ask him to surrender his privacy to willingly be scrutinized by the press that surrounds my every move at every moment. That would happen to Chase if he was with me.
Guaranteed.
And I’m certain he doesn’t realize how serious of a commitment that is, because I didn’t.
Nobody does, before it happens.
Especially when he didn’t even discover parts of his sexuality until recently, and he’s still grappling his way to a healthier, more stable life.
But it looks like Chase is taking my choice of words to heart, far more deeply than I ever intended.
“I wouldn’t let you do that,” he says in a serious tone, waving a hand through the air. “Ruin your life for me.”
I try to backtrack. “I didn’t meanruinin a literal sense.”
He shakes his head. “No. I hear you. I understand, more than you realize. I don’t blame you for saying it.”
“All I meant is that I’d get more addicted to you. Or some random person will snap a photo of us together and proceedto pick apart your life before it’s even really started. You’re just emerging from your cocoon, Chase. You think you’re flawed, but you’re so fucking perfect. Flaws and all.”
“Perfect,” he whispers, puffing out a short, bitter laugh. “Don’t know about that one, Logan.”
