The morning after the second drop, I wake up feeling lighter, even though the drop was all an act. But it is as if someone’s lifted a slab of concrete off my chest. I don’t crave coke. There’s no panic in my gut. Everything will be fine now. I’ll pay off the loan sharks, clear the cards. All I have to do is stay away from the casino, and we can get back to where we used to be.
I’m almost buoyant as I head to the car.
The office hums with energy, voices overlapping, phones ringing. It feels like I’ve been asleep for years and just woken up into a better world.
Then my phone rings.
‘She saw my face. She knows it’s me.’
I rush to the loo and throw up. Nic must have noticed because the next thing I know, he’s right there with me. ‘Christ, how much did you drink last night?’ he asks.
I pull myself up and grab some toilet paper. My legs tremble and weakness washes over me.
I’m about to lose Joel.Damn it, I’ll lose my job, my reputation. Hell, I could end up in prison. Would Jo really let that happen?
‘It was something I ate,’ I mumble.
Nic frowns. ‘You look like a corpse. You’d better go home.’
‘Yeah, I think I will.’
The drive home is a blur, and I stumble into the apartment.
Nicola startles me when she walks out of the kitchen. For a split second, I mistake her for Jo.
‘Jo,’ I blurt out.
She stares at me, eyes welling up with tears.
‘I’m sorry.’ I rush to explain. ‘I’m not feeling well. I left work early.’
Nicola studies me. ‘Do you want me to leave?’
No, I can’t handle taking care of Joel in my state.
‘No, it’s fine. I’ll work from my office here.’
‘Can I get you anything?’ she asks kindly.
If only she could get me out of this mess.
‘Thanks, I’ll be fine,’ I say, closing the office door.
I glance at the wedding photo on my desk. Will Jo understand if I tell her everything? Will she forgive me? Deep down, I know she won’t. She’ll divorce me and ensure I never see Joel again. Maybe Gil could talk her round, but I doubt it. My head pounds. I’m lost in a maze of my thoughts.
Once Donald learns the truth, I’ll be finished. He’ll make sure I never work again. I’ll be lucky if I even get a job sweeping the streets. I’ll have to confess to the gambling, the drugs and the loan sharks. I’ve dug myself into a hole too deep to escape from.
‘Fuck!’ I yell, pounding my fist on the desk. How could Neville be so stupid?
There’s a light tap at the door. ‘Mr Neal, are you okay?’ Nicola calls.
‘Yes, sorry,’ I reply, opening the door. ‘Big problem at work.’
‘I’m picking Joel up. We usually go to the park, but I can bring him straight home if you prefer.’
‘No, stick to his routine,’ I say, grateful for the chance to be alone with my thoughts.
There’s only one way out of this mess, but I’m not sure I can take it. How did it come to this?It’s not my fault. I tried my best, right from the start of my relationship with Jo. But Donald always demanded more. Maybe if I hadn’t felt pressured to impress him, I wouldn’t have been tempted at the casino.Perhaps I wouldn’t be here now, with my life collapsing around me.
