The porch and pool are packed, but there’s a garden area near the back of the yard that looks empty. I walk past the pool, getting splashed by someone who does a cannon ball, then I’m moving into a row of overgrown bushes. I’m amazed this place is so huge. The garden has a small vegetable patch, about four orange trees, and a lot of greenery along a winding cobblestone path. It’s darker here, with just a few ground solar lights.
I walk around behind the orange trees, and that’s where I find her.
Cinna is sitting on a bench half-hidden by the bushes, and the light from a hanging tree lantern falls across her knees and stops. Everything above her waist is in shadow. She’s hunched forward, elbows on her thighs, hands wrapped around a cup she doesn’t seem to be drinking from. Her hair hangs loose around her face, blocking her expression, and the usual way she carries herself, with that open, warm posture that makes you feel like you’re the only person alive, is gone. She looks folded and compressed.
I know that posture. I invented that posture.
My heart is pounding, because we’ve never been alone together like this.
It’s just me and the woman I’ve never been able to stop thinking about.
“Hey.” I say it too softly and she doesn’t hear, so I try again louder. “Uh, hey.”
She looks up and some light catches her face. Her eyes are red and the amber of her irises looks darker than usual. The gold flecks that I normally can’t stop picturing are dim.
“Aeron.” Her eyes widen for a second, then she sits up straighter, trying to look like she hasn’t been crying. “Hey. It’s crazy to see you here.”
I sit beside her on the bench. Not too close, but close enough that our knees are a few inches apart. I stuff my hands in my pockets and try to pretend I’m not shaking apart on the inside; guess we’re both trying to hide something.
“Carter invited me.”
“Oh.” She sets her cup on the dirt, then folds her hands in her lap, but her thumbs keep rubbing the black fabric of her skirt.
We sit quietly for a bit, just staring up at the dark sky. Finally, I find the courage to ask, “You okay?”
She straightens her spine even more and puts on a smile that starts at the corners of her mouth and tries to spread but can’t quite make it to her eyes. “Oh, yeah. Totally. Just getting some air and dealing with allergies. They’re really bad this time of year.”
The lie is visible in the way the smile collapses the second she stops holding it. She draws circles in the dirt with her shoes.
I don’t want to push the topic. I’ve been on the other side of that push a thousand times, June asking “Are you okay” in a tone that means she’s already decided I’m not and she’s going to fix it, whether I want fixing or not. I’m not going to be that way with Cinna. I’m just going to sit here and give her company.
“I like this garden,” I say. “I like the orange smell.”
“Yeah,”
The party thumps on behind us, the bass vibrating through the ground. Cinna is close enough to the hanging lantern light that her knees glow. I’m just outside it, in the shadow of a bush. Above us, the night sky is endless.
“It makes me feel small,” I say.
“Huh?”
I point up. “The sky. It goes on forever and it makes my problems feel small in comparison.”
She follows my gaze and looks up. Then she stares down at her feet. We sit like this for maybe ten minutes, and each minute Cinna’s shoulders drop more until she’s looking wilted against the bench.
“My mom was annoying me this morning,” she says after a while, her voice small. “I was supposed to go shopping with June, but Mom wouldn’t leave me alone so I cancelled to work on my studies. I’m not behind in anything, but she thinks my life should only be about my education. And showing some ‘talent’ for a change.”
I’m not trained in psychology, like my mom claims to be, but I know sometimes I just want to vent and have someone unbiased listen. I nod, so she knows I heard her, but I don’t speak.
“She was telling me about my sister’s grades. My sister is older and already has her Bachelor’s. She’s just absolutely perfect, and she’s making the family proud because she’s studying to be a neurosurgeon.” She takes a breath and wraps her arms around her waist. “Like, how am I supposed to compete withthat? And then just an hour ago, I got a text from Mom that my sister got selected for an internship at one of the top hospitals in the nation. She’s literally a golden child and even if I was like, I don’t know, a scientist at NASA I somehow still wouldn’t measure up.”
Her fingers tighten into fists. “That’s just how Mom says hi. She sends me evidence of everything I’m not.”
I don’t say anything for a second. A soft breeze blows and the lantern sways above us. The circle of light sweeps back and forth over us.
“I get that.” I understand the parent who loves you but can’t see you clearly because someone else is standing in the way.
Cinna looks at me, and the false smile is gone. “You do, don’t you?” she says. “June and your mom.”
