It’s Friday. Fall is in full swing and there’s a bitter cold in the air, so I’m wearing a trench coat. The days are shorter so the light is fading when I reach the park around six. String lights thread between poles, casting warm amber over clusters of people. The trucks glow from inside, bright rectangles against the growing dark. I scan the faces for Dorien and find him in line at a bao truck, hands in his pockets.
“Hey.” I stop beside him.
His face opens up when he sees me and he smiles. “Hey. Glad you made it.”
“It’s good to get out sometimes, right? Even if I’m a social outcast.”
He laughs. “Is there a club for that? Because I think I’m already a member.”
I smile but he’s not an outcast. Not like I am.
We chat for a bit, moving up slowly in the line. After ten minutes or so Carter suddenly materializes. I give him a nod and he claps my shoulder.
“Wow. Where have you been?” he asks. “We live in the same house but somehow I haven’t seen you for weeks.”
I shrug, trying not to feel too annoyed at his presence. I didn’t know he was coming; I thought it’d be just Dorien and me. The disappointment is brief because it’s Carter, and Carter has never made me feel like an afterthought.
I guess it’s cool my cousin is here.
“Don’t you know artists hide away to create their best art?” Dorien says.
I grin; this is why he’s so cool.
We stand in line and the string lights catch steam rising from the truck’s serving window. I think about snapping a reference photo for later, but don’t.
I realize this is good. It’s actually a nice change being out of the house and getting to hang out with people who are the closest to friends I have. This is what I should be doing instead of locking my door every night.
I feel a bit guilty because I know what I’m doing isn’t smart. How much longer before the withdrawals are too much to bear and I run out of cash trying to pay for more hits?
I should try to avoid it all next week; I need to pull myself out of my own head before I can’t find the way back.
Carter orders five bao and tells the woman they’re all for him. She believes him. We get our food and find a table. As we settle in, my chest doesn’t feel as heavy as it has been, and I start eating.
“Shit, it’s good,” Carter says around a mouthful. I mumble my agreement.
“What projects you working on?” Dorien asks. “Besides the main sculpture.”
“A lot,” I say after a swallow. “I’ve been using ink to?—”
Vienna pushes between me and Carter and bumps my hip. “Scoot.” I shift over and she settles next to Carter.
I close my mouth and grind my teeth. Why the hell is she here? Did she come to this event, notice Carter, and then invite herself toourhangout?
“Ink?” Dorien asks as I’m glaring at Vienna and that awful red lipstick.
I set my food down and try to re-focus. “Uh, yeah. I thought I could combine ink with?—”
Behind me, girls are laughing.
I recognize a certain laugh and my food sits like a rock in my stomach, weighing me down. Cinna walks into my view first,June next, then two girls I’ve never met. Cinna introduces them as classmates who wanted to tag along. I don’t catch a single name. The information passes through me because the only thing I can think about is my annoyance at how the evening is ruined. The small circle of three just became a crowd.
And I realize it was always meant to be this way. Dorien knew there was a group hangout and he was just being polite in inviting me.
He doesn’t care about actually hanging out withme.
Cinna glances my way as she sits next to Dorien on the other side of the table. She smiles the way you smile at someone holding a door. She’s smiling politely at a stranger (me).
I sink lower on the bench and push my food away.
