Shit. Not now. Not here.
It was as if all the deaths came rushing back, Remy’s especially still raw. What was the point of getting the book if they had no hope of winning the war? Every death was in vain if they lost in the end anyway.
They were now in the hallway near her suite.
Casimir yanked the door open and rushed forward. “Get your hands off her right now before I make you,” he ordered.
They released her, walking away without another word. The moment they rounded the corner, the dam broke and Ava burst into tears, trying to catch her breath.
She had failed.
Casimir didn’t hesitate to scoop her up and carry her inside, kicking the door closed behind him.
He took a seat on the couch near the fireplace, keeping her in his lap.
“Breathe, love.” He cupped her face. “Look at me and take a deep breath.”
She followed his instructions.
“That’s it. Again.”
It didn’t take long for her to get her breathing under control. Casimir pulled her head to lie in the crook of his neck. She took a deep breath and inhaled his comforting scent of cedar and sage.
“Take a moment to steady yourself and then tell me what happened.”
She sighed, wiping the tears still falling. But she didn’t feel the panic anymore. She just felt…exhausted.
“This feels pointless,” she said. “They don’t care.”
“Why were the guards dragging you through the hallway?”
“I lost my temper and yelled at the queen,” she whispered. “She was just so nonchalant about this war. She didn’t seem tocare at all that people are dying. I just kept thinking of the people we’ve already lost. I don’t know how to do this. And I can’t stop thinking about losing Remy and almost losing you and?—”
The tears fell in earnest again, the scab of her grief picked raw. Because grief didn’t disappear. Instead, it shifted and merged and became a part of you, rearing its ugly head whenever it so chose.
“Shhh…” Casimir whispered, rubbing soothing circles on her back. “I know, love.”
They sat in silence for a long while, Casimir murmuring to her as she stained his shirt with her tears. She hadn’t cried this hard in a long time, but needed the release. And it wasn’t only about the queen saying no…it was everything.
The deaths. The battles. The brutality of war. The stress of her task. The fact that things had changed with Andras and now it was like they didn’t even know what they were facing. She had grown so much these last few months and most of the time she was confident. Determined to succeed.
But right now, she felt helpless.
Ava moved, laying her head in Casimir’s lap. He ran his fingers through her hair as she stared at the fire, tears finally dry. And that right there was one of the the things she loved about him the most. He could always sense exactly what she needed; his comforting, steadying presence; his calm to her storm.
The door opened and footsteps approached. Quinn and Jorrar took their seats across from her.
“I take it things didn’t go well?” Quinn asked.
“I messed up,” Ava said. “She’s not going to help. She doesn’t seem to care. Then I called her a coward.”
Quinn smiled at her. “Good. Because she is a coward. Now get up.”
Ava met Quinn’s stern gaze. “What?”
“No more moping. Sit up and listen to me.”
Ava pushed herself off Casimir’s lap and sat, waiting.
