She looks at me. "Is there a difference?"
"Jo and Rebecca relationship is internet content now. Fan edits, ship accounts, paparazzi hunting for the next unguarded moment. Everything they do together is consumed by people who don't know them. I feel like they've lost the ability to have a relationship. It’s like they have a performance instead."
She listens.
"What happened with them?" she asks. "Before they went public?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, were they private first? Did they make the same choice we're making and then change their mind?"
"I don't?—"
"Or were they public from the beginning? Did they just jump in without thinking about consequences?"
I move past her question because I'm not ready to examine the answer.
"There’s also Sandy. Her personal life is in the tabloids every other week. Every girlfriend, every night out, every photo becomes a headline. The label calls me about it like I'm her manager. I spend hours managing media response to her life choices. It's exhausting. And I watch what happens when people become content, and I don't want that for us."
"So we're content if we're public?"
"Yeah. We become a story that other people tell about themselves. Our relationship becomes something that belongs to everyone instead of just us."
She's still listening, I see her looking down at her drink.
"If we go public—with the band, with our friends, with anyone—we lose control of the narrative. The industry eats people's love lives. I've watched it hurt people I care about. I don't want to become someone's content. And I don't want to do that to you."
This way I’d be able to protect her.
Lena looks at me over her cooling hot chocolate. She has a counter-argument forming.
She says: "Okay."
I look at her.
"Okay," she says, and the word is too fast, and the agreement is too easy.
I release a breath. Yet I feel dread at the pit of my stomach.
"How long?" she asks, and the question surprises me because I wasn't expecting clarification.
"Until it feels safe."
"And how will I know when it feels safe?"
"I'll know. When I know, you'll know."
She nods like that's a reasonable answer.
"What about our friends?" she asks. "Ravita and Marnie will figure it out eventually."
"Then you tell them it's private but not secret. That it's just not public yet."
"I don’t like lying."
"I think it’s okay to have boundaries for now."
She reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. The touch is soft and accepting and I feel like I've gotten away with something.
