The call goes quiet and I can’t help but feel disappointed.
"I should go," she says.
"Okay."
"Goodnight, Lena."
"Goodnight."
The call ends. I lie in my bed with the phone on the pillow. I lie there and wait for the panic. But the panic doesn't come. There's just the waiting. The patience. The knowledge that the next move is hers, and the trust that she'll make it.
Next morning. A text from Rhonda:I'm going to figure it out.
I stare at it for a long time.
I don't reply right away. I just read it again and again, letting the words settle. Then I set the phone down and look at the ceiling and feel something unfold in my chest—hope, maybe.
CHAPTER 18
THE PARTY
I arrive at Sandy and Erica's apartment and scan the room before I've taken my jacket off.
“Rhonda! You made it.” Erica, at the door, taking my coat, looking more relaxed than I’ve ever seen her.
“Nice place,” I say. “I heard you two used to share a wall.”
“We did.” Sandy appears at her shoulder, grinning. “Now we share a lease. Fewer noise complaints.” Erica elbows her. “Come in. Everyone’s here.”
The place is warm and loud and smells like wine. There are boxes against the walls. A couch that's too big for the living room. Art leaning against surfaces instead of hanging on them. Both bands are here—Sirens, Belladonnas, partners, close family. I count the people as I process the room. Rebecca on the couch with Jo. Jani in the kitchen, holding a glass of wine.
And there, in the corner by the window, Lena was talking to Riley Puth—to her idol, the woman she’s built a secret shrine to—Riley ducking her head and blushing at whatever’s just been said, and Jani a few feet off watching the two of them.
Lena.
I look away. Too fast. I look at the drinks table instead, which is where I should be looking, because I am a woman arriving at a party and looking for a drink, not a woman who hasn't seen her girlfriend in weeks.
"Who are you looking for?" Ana asks.
I let out a scream and almost drop my drink.
“Whoa! I wasn’t trying to scare you, I swear."
"I wasnt—No nothing. Nobody."
"You keep looking over at the kitchen."
"I'm looking for wine." I cough.
I glance again at Lena. I know it’s not fair. I know it’s not even really about Riley. It’s about the fact that Lena gets to be seen wanting things, out loud, and I’ve spent a year making sure no one could see her want me.
"The wine is here." She gestures at the table we are standing next to. "Right here. You're standing next to it."
I reach for a glass.
"Thank you, Ana. I had no idea. Silly me."
"You're welcome." She pours me a glass herself and then pours one for herself. She turns to face the room, wine in hand, and watches me drink it. She does not stop watching me. "You want to know what I see?"
