I can’t even process his claims, but he’s right.I do owe Kit an explanation as well as an apology.
I stand, but Dandy quickly takes my hand.“Please don’t ever leave me alone again.”
His worry is apparent.I don’t blame him.I just left.But I will never do that again.
“I won’t.Best friends forever, right?”
He nods happily, with tears in his eyes.“Best friends forever.”
I leave him and go in search of Kit.
I have no idea where he’ll be until I see a huge garage out back.That’s where he’ll be.
I can’t prepare for this conversation.I’ll be honest and accept whatever decision he makes, even if he never speaks to me again.
God, the reality of that pains me beyond words.But it’s one I’ll need to accept.
As I enter the garage, I hear soft music playing over the radio.Kit stands before an old truck, his hands resting on the open hood.He’s on his phone but soon pockets it.
He knows I’m here, but he doesn’t turn around.
“Saying I’m sorry just sounds like an excuse.But I am so very sorry.I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid.I didn’t even know where to start.Everything was just so messed up.One lie led to another, and soon I found myself surrounded by lies.I didn’t even know who I was anymore.I still don’t.”
And that’s the God’s honest truth.
But Kit remains quiet.
“I know I did wrong.But what I said, my feelings for you were never a lie.Being with you reminded me of who I was.I missed that girl.But that girl is dead, Kit.She died the night in the woods.I did what I needed to survive.I know it doesn’t make sense, but being honest meant I had to face what was done to me, and what I’d done to deal with it.
“There’s blood on my hands.I’ve done someverybad things.Jupiter didn’t force me.I’m just so fucked up,” I confess, running my fingers through my snarled hair.“Why the hell would you want me?And that’s why I didn’t want to tell you the truth.I was afraid of you never looking at me with that look in your eyes.”
There’s the truth.That’s me being vulnerable.
But Kit is still unmoving.
I’m not angry, however.I always knew this time would come.
Jupiter was right all along.
“For what it’s worth…you made me feel safe.Thank you.”
I turn to leave because he’s made his feelings crystal clear, but he stops me dead in my tracks when he speaks.“What did I say to you that first night in the kitchen?”
I remember it like yesterday.“If I ever needed help or wanted something, just ask.”
Kit’s shoulders are stiff.“So why didn’t you?”
“Because so much had changed.And how could you help when I didn’t even know what to ask?”
Kit sighs, hanging his head low.“I don’t know what’s a lie or what’s the truth.”
Neither do I.
Everything is so muddled.
“I knew something was…off.”He settles for that after searching for the right word.“You always felt so familiar.Maybe deep down I always knew.I just…fuck, Hallie!”He slams his fist onto the hood.“I don’t know what to think anymore.”
I hate that I’ve done this to him.I’ve hurt him.I’ve hurt someone who always protected me.
