The golden light floods in through the tall windows, something I will never get enough of. There’s nothing but darkness beneath the water’s surface. I didn’t know what cold truly was until I came up here and felt the warmth that exists. And that warmth from the sun is so similar to Leif’s touch. Something that I craved before, but I now feel like I can’t live without.
After shows, we usually have meet and greets. I’ve touched plenty of humans, but in normal ways. Handshakes, quick hugs for posed photos. But the way Leif and I touched one another last night? That was warmth in a way I didn’t think was possible, similar to the way I feel when I’m in the sun’s rays or up on stage playing. There are so many feelings up here, things that we aren’t allowed to experience under the ocean.
What an amazing night I had. And morning, too. I still can’t believe it happened.
But that little voice in the back of my head keeps telling me I better have enjoyed it because it won’t happen again. That I should replay each and every moment over and over, burn it into my brain so I don’t forget. Because there won’t be a repeat.
Leif made two comments that I can’t shake. One about coming tomyroom so no one would see me on his floor. And then another about the crew thinking something weird if they saw us together. What weird things would they think? Is it because I’m a monster and he’s human?
Whatever it is, it’s clear Leif wants to keep this a secret. That’s fine. I get it. This is his job, and he doesn’t want to risk it. I know how these things go. If someone were to find out, he’d be the one out of the job, not me. It’s unfair, but that’s how life works up here. Doesn’t make me feel any less bad, though.
If he wanted more out of this, he would have said it. We’d have had a conversation about keeping it quiet and not letting anyone know until the tour is over, but he didn’t ask questions or evenattempt to make future plans. He didn’t make this out to be something it wasn’t.
Which means it’s just this. A hook up. A one time—or, uh… three time, I guess—thing.
Temporary. Just temporary. I can do that. It’s what I’m used to. Nothing in my life is permanent. My entire future is up in the air. This should be easy for me.
My gaze drops to my hands. My human hands feel wrong in one way but make everything else simple up here. Leif touched me like this. Wanted me like this. Enjoyed me like this.
Of course he did.
Because it’s easier. And who doesn’t want easier?
Humans aren’t known for being with monsters. We stick to our own kind. And well… a lot of people don’t even knowmykind exists.
I just wish I fit somewhere.
I close my eyes and drift back to sleep, only waking some time later when my phone rings. It vibrates somewhere, the noise muffled. It takes me too long to remember I left it in my jeans, and by the time I dig it out, the call is over.
Spam.
Should have known. No one ever calls me. The guys text if they need something and they’re the only people I know. I don’t have friends outside of them, and I don’t have any family that knows what I’m up to. If they did, I’d never be permitted to go back home, and if I tried to challenge that, they’d kill me. And though the thought of going back home isn’t exciting, I don’t like the idea of never being allowed back there. If things don’t work out up here, I’ll have nowhere to go.
I’d lied to my parents and said I was going out on a quest to find more kraken. Once my father got the position as head of the colony two months ago, some sort of sickness blasted through the kraken and half of our colony died. We are already short ofnumbers to begin with, so I’d offered to venture out and look for others. Maybe form an alliance.
For years, we’ve known we’re the only kraken colony, but I guess it’s possible there could be others out there. Could we all be so good at keeping our secret that we don’t know others of our kind exist? Sometimes I feel guilty for not actually looking, but I plan to. Eventually. When I have access to the ocean, and time off from the tour, I’ll venture out there and look. check out the deepest parts of the oceans and all the caves I can find. But even if I do find others, it doesn’t mean they’ll help. They may not want anything to do with us if they find out what happened. Even our elders, the few we have left, have no idea what the illness was that wiped out half our colony. They’re all scared, and I understand why. I feel safe from whatever it is since I’m not there, but what if they all die? What then?
Typically, kraken are very strong, and it’s only old age that kills us. We are peaceful creatures and don’t typically fight with one another. There are no predators larger than us to kill us. If we make it past the baby stage, it’s highly likely we will live out our full life. Kraken have an exceptionally long lifespan. The few elders we have left are all roughly around five hundred years old. The worst part of all of this is that a great number of our females died. If they are gone, we have nothing. We can’t have more kraken without females to carry our eggs. If for some reason there are other kraken out there, maybe I will find them if I look hard enough. Maybe we can join together. But maybe I’ll be hated by them, too. I don’t know. All I know is that it is too much to think about right now, and I need a shower.
After discovering water could bewarmup here, I quickly became obsessed with it. Showers are… amazing. Even in this form, when the water feels strange against my human skin, and especially the hair on my body. There is just something about it that I love.
There’s nothing like sitting in a hot tub. I’ll spend hours in there, when the hotels have a private one I can get to. The rooms have them sometimes, but not always. This one, sadly, doesn’t. What a shame. Now would be the perfect time to sit in the tub and soak.
This bathroom doesn’t have a tub at all; only a stand-up shower that could fit a handful of people inside. They ought to make it smaller and add a tub. Bathing is great. Why do we need a shower big enough to fit five men? What are people doing in these hotel rooms?
I spend too much time in the shower. My hands ache from being wrinkled, but it’s worth it.
When I’m out, I get dressed and text the group chat with the guys to see what they’re up to for the day—if they’re awake. Sometimes they like to sleep in.
Me
What’s everyone up to?
I scroll through some news articles while I wait for an answer. I love catching up on articles from NASA. My mind was blown when I found out there is even more out there, beyond the surface I’ve come to love. In fact, there’s alotmore than this. It’s difficult to wrap my head around sometimes.
The texts come in one at a time after a few minutes, all of them letting me know they’re just waking up or are lounging around.
Lucien
