After this three-day weekend in Indianapolis, I’m feeling it right away. I’m sore in all the best places, tired but unable to sleep. Lying in my bed with the sway of the bus is comforting and relaxing. It’s similar to the lull of the ocean. I’m pumped for the next show, it’s not like I want this to end, but it’s a lot to handle all at once. I’ve never done this before, and I didn’t know what to think going into it.
Now that I’ve experienced it… I never want to stop. I just know that I need a damn break in between, so I don’t drop. It doesn’t help that shifting makes me tired too, and I do it often with all the shows. Staying human makes me less tired than being in my stage form, but it feels weird being human on a tour bus with Dorian.
None of the guys judge me for all the forms I take, even though most monsters choose to just stay themselves. It’s definitely a me thing. An insecurity. And it all goes back to that feeling of me not fitting in anywhere. But they don’t need to know about that shit. It’s just in my head. My own problems. Which just seem to be adding up these days.
Because then there’s Leif.
Things went so well on Friday night and Saturday morning. But when we ran into each other after that, it was awkward as hell. Every. Single. Time.
No matter where I saw him or what we were doing, things were just weird.
He did his job, setting up for me like he usually does. He did as good a job, like he always does. But the conversation? The way he was looking at me? It really was like he’d regretted it when he had to look me in the face as my monster.
I get it. I’m not attractive in this form, at least not to a human. Other monsters, sure. I hear it all the time from fans. Human fans too, now that I think about it, but I think that has more to do with the money I make and not actually what I look like.
This thing with Leif, though… it’s exactly why I didn’t want to do this. Why I’d told myself it was a bad idea, and why I stopped myself from thinking of him that way. But I was so amped after the show that I agreed to hang out with him. I drank too much. My inhibitions were lowered.
And I had a great night. A great fucking night. A night that I will remember for the rest of my life. But was it worth it? Now that we can barely talk to each other? Was the sex worth it?
No, I don’t think it was.
Because now I have to work with him and things are weird. What if I need to talk to him about something work related? I can’t do that now. This is dumb. It’s so fucking dumb. I can’t believe I did this. I can’t believe I fucked this up and so early on in the tour. What the actual hell is wrong with me?
I need to fix it. But how? Apologize? For what? Being a monster? No, that’s stupid. It doesn’t make sense. There is nothing to apologize for. If Leif regrets this, it’s on him. There’s nothing I can do about that because I am who I am, even if I hardly like myself most days.
There’s nothing I can do to fix that. It’s not like I can stay in my human formallthe time. I’m in a fucking monster rock band; I have to be in that form, and since his job has to do with the band, he has to talk to me in that form too.
“This is a fucking mess,” I mutter to myself.
I want to fix this, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do to fix it.
Maybe he’ll forget it happened. Maybe because we’ll be on the road this week, not seeing each other as much as we did, he’ll forget what happened and be able to look me in the eye again.
Guess I’ll just have to wait and see how he reacts to me when we run into each other again.
Running into Leif happens way too soon. Much sooner than I anticipated, and I’m not ready for it. Everyone gets the great idea to stop in some small town and grab food. I love me some food, so I can’t say no, so I hurry up and step off the bus first, hoping to avoid him. Except he is walking by the moment my feet touch the ground.
His eyes widen and he quickly looks away. I scoff to myself as I move over and wait for Dorian to get off the bus. We walk toward the restaurant together, some burger joint that has craft beers. We don’t say a word to each other, but that’s usually how it is with us. We don’t talk much and we’re okay with that.
Our manager is at the podium talking to a man who looks like they could be the manager of the restaurant. She’s probably letting them know that there is a huge party here and we’d like privacy. We don’t mind the occasional fan, but once the word gets out, places become bombarded.
The manager nods with a stern look on his face. It seems like he’s fine helping us out and making sure that we get to enjoy our meal.
“Feels good to stretch my legs,” I say, shifting to my other leg.
“Maybe you should stop laying in bed for hours.”
Dorian smirks, and I roll my eyes.
“Guys, I am starving,” Kael says, coming up on my right.
“Me too,” Lucien adds. “And this place smellsgood.”
“I haven’t had a good burger in a while,” I say. “Hopefully they taste as good as they smell.”
Leif is talking to that same guy he was sitting with the other day. They seem to be hanging out a lot. More than I’ve noticed before.
Is he trying to make me jealous?
