Aliko
I stay in my human form for the night, too tired to deal with the shift. It’s not a physical thing, more of a mental thing, which makes everything that Leif said make sense. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff on the inside that has made doing physical things more difficult.
We get into bed and put the TV on, but the volume is low and neither of us are paying much attention to it. I’m staring at the ceiling, watching the shadows from the TV, and Leif’s head is resting on my chest, his eyes facing the wall.
“Before I knew going onto land was a possibility, I felt mostly okay. I was angry a lot, questioned things my parents did and the ways of the kraken, which always got me into trouble. I was told Iwas just a defiant young kraken, which I took to believe. I didn’t know any better.”
I run my hand through Leif’s hair, the strands soft and soothing, and though he isn’t saying anything, I know he’s awake and listening.
“Then I met that pirate and found my way here and everything changed. Not justforme butinme. There were all these possibilities that felt right. Being on land felt like what I was supposed to do, where I was supposed to be. So I did it every chance I got and when I was back in the ocean, all I thought about was returning, which was never enough. Now that I’m here all the time, I just feel… like I need more.”
It’s quiet for a long moment, and I wonder if maybe Leif is asleep.
“It wasn’t land or what it has to offer that you were looking for, Aliko. It was acceptance. You just want someone to accept you for who you are. Nothing on land is going to fix that for you.”
“Yes,” I say, my voice raspy. “But I am still hiding. All the time. I shift into a human to hide my half-kraken, so I’m not bombarded by fans. I’m in my half-kraken form because my other form is too much.”
“It’s not too much. It just… needs special accommodations.”
“What does that mean?”
“You could be your kraken, your true kraken, anywhere you wanted, if you wanted.”
“I can’t fit anywhere.”
“Then make people make room for you, Aliko. It’s not fair for you to make yourself small just because you think your real self is too much.”
“But I am too much. I’m… huge. You saw me.”
“Okay,” he says, lifting up to look at me. “Maybe I’m being a little too aggressive. I’m sorry, I just hate that you’re feeling this way. I understand that your kraken can’t physically fit anywhere,but you understand that’s the only problem, right? That it’s nothing more than that?”
I shrug, not sure what to say. I can’t agree, because that doesn’t feel right.
“I love that you showed me all your forms, Aliko. I love that you let me in like that. I told you from the beginning that I would accept all of you, in every form, and I do. Yes, your true self is more difficult because we have no way of communicating and you’re too big to fit in the house, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.” He scoots up more, resting his hand on my chest. “This world wasn’t built for you, but trust me, there are a lot of humans that feel the same way.”
“They do?”
“Yes.” He nods. “I grew up being called so many names, not only because I am gay but because of the music I liked. People said I was into devil worshiping and in high school, I was voted ‘most likely to kill someone,’ which I would never,everdo.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, but I’m over it now. I know the world wasn’t made for people like me, but I found my place in it, anyway. And so have you… you just have to see it. Aliko, you’re in a famous band full of monsters doing what you love most. If there is any place to be yourself, that’s it. Do you not think that they would let you perform as your true self? Of course they would.”
“That’s impossible.”
“No, it’s not. It would take time, yes. It would take redoing the stage and finding someone to make a drum kit big enough to fit you, and then the sounds would be different, but it can happen. Don’t ever let yourself think that you won’t be accepted here as yourself. Because you will be. Even if it’s only by a few people. Those few people are the ones who matter.”
“By you?” I ask.
“Always by me,” he whispers.
I pull him to me, kiss the top of his head, and close my eyes.
His skin is soft and warm against me, his breathing slow and gentle. He fits so perfectly here at my side like this. But he fits at my side in my other form too. And he’s right… I could make things work in my true form, but it will take time. I just need to be willing to work at it. To not hide. I’m the one who made myself smaller because I was afraid of what the world would say if they saw the real me, so I’m the only one who can change that.
When I wake up in the morning, I’m alone in bed. The bathroom light is off, so I assume Leif isn’t in there. I sigh, feeling slightly better but not entirely. I know what I need to do to fix all of this going on in my head, but it’s a lot and I don’t like thinking of every step I need to do to complete it.
But I have Leif to help and that makes things easier.
