LISSY
The carriage rolls into the courtyard at dusk, and Torgan comes down moments later, waiting on the steps, waiting for us.
He must have watched us come up the road. He stands in the torchlight with his hands at his sides, but he doesn't come down to meet us.
Why not? Because he knows what I know now?
He looks like a man waiting for his sentence.
Lady Ishara appears in the doorway before anyone speaks. She takes one look at all of us and starts giving orders.
"Brynna, your father wants the ledgers in the study. Saskia, Ysolde, take your sister to the kitchen and feed her."
Then she looks at me, and she bristles, but doesn’t move toward me. "Lissy. You're welcome in this house. That hasn't changed."
My throat tightens. "Thank you, my lady."
She moves her daughters inside. Mirelle goes inside without looking back, still looking like she’s floating through life.
The doors close, and the courtyard empties until there is only torchlight, Torgan, and me. I climb the steps until we're level. My heart is pounding so hard I can feel it in my fingertips.
"You look terrible," I tell him.
“I feel terrible,” he admits.
We stand there awkwardly for a few moments, and everything I planned on the way over here is gone.I don’t want to have this talk.
"Lissy..."
I hold up a hand. "No. I talk first."
He doesn't flinch. Of course he doesn't. And now that I’m here, I can’t find the words to say what I’m thinking.
So I just say, "Why?"
The word comes out louder than I mean it to. I lick my lips, trying to gather my scattered thoughts. "Why didn’t you tell me about the vial? Why didn’t you get rid of it? You had a hundred chances. The courtyard. The storage room. The pavilion.” I comb a hand through my hair. “Gods, Torgan, I told you that was the best night of my life!” My voice wavers. “You held me while that thing sat in your coat forty feet away.Why?"
He's silent for a long moment, watching me in that eerie calm that he has. "Because you were there when I bought it." He holds my eyes. "You saw me do it. You never asked, and you chose me anyway. I used that as permission not to tell you."
I almost laugh, but there is nothing funny in me. Only a dryness that I can’t replace.
"Permission?"
"No. Not permission." His mouth tightens. "An excuse. If I told you it was for Mirelle, I stopped being the man you thought I was." He looks away for one second, then makes himself look back. "I liked that man better. So I let you keep him while I kept my shame."
The torches flutter in the wind.
I open my mouth with the next accusation ready, but it disappears.
Because I was there.
I stood in Noemi's shop and watched a stranger buy a secret. Then I spent so long saying nothing. Why didn't I ask who it was for? Why didn't I ask whether he used it? I could have asked over tea. I could have made it sound so casual.Hey, Torgan, whatever happened with that potion?
A hundred chances.
I had the same hundred chances he did.
"I never asked," I say. My voice comes out smaller now, which makes me hate it all the more. "Do you know why? I've been telling your sisters it wasn't my business. That's a lie. I didn't ask because I didn't want the answer. In my head, I built a man I could love, and then I protected him from anything that might ruin that image of him."
