I get off the stool and make my way around the counter to stir the mashed potatoes, throwing in some butter and milk.
It doesn’t take long for the rest of the gang to start to pile in. The more years that pass, the bigger the dinner table needs to get. And for the first time in forever, this house is about to have a baby in it. Ava is damn near ready to pop.
The one I always look for at the door is Rhett. He's turned into my safe space. I’ve never really thought of him like that, but it’s hard to deny. We’ve spent so much time together the last couple of years.
He's the first to know about anything exciting in my life, even before my brother or my girls. How we’ve managed to keep everything a secret from him is a miracle. A miracle that stresses me out daily. I’m taking Tums like Pez candy to keep the reflux from my anxiety simmered.
“Everyone make their way to the table, dinner is ready,” my mom hollers out.
I help her carry pots to the table, setting them down on oven mitts to protect the large wooden surface beneath. Though this thing has been through the wringer. There’s a huge spot where I accidentally spilled my nail polish remover when I was visiting from college and a few dings from the boys when they roughhouse. Honestly, it’s probably time for it to go, or for Dad to refinish it.
I take my seat next to Rhett; it’s been thrilling, sneaking in little touches here and there without anybody knowing.
Actually, that’s a lie. I’m pretty sure everyone at this table, minus my parents and brother, knows what’s going on.
“Okay, I’m going to eat. Baby is starving,” Ava says as she rubs her belly and passes her plate to Maverick for him to fill.
Before long, everyone follows suit and has full plates.
I watch Maverick and Ava; his eyes twinkle every time he looks at her. He runs his hand over her bump, and they both grin. A stranger could walk into this room and see that this man is so in love with his wife.
My brother sits with his new wife, and she playfully removes a smudge of potato from his lips. Their smiles are infectious.
My eyes then move to my parents, laughing at a side comment as they watch Ava and Maverick struggle with parenthood. I bet they were living their glory days right now in their minds. When us kids were young and they were trying to figure it all out.
Love is all around me.
I feel a funny twinge in my chest, and I try to figure out why it hurts to look at them. To watch them be in love and be a family when I’m surrounded by mine. I haven’t given a lot of thought to settling down before, but I feel the shift wash over me in an instant. Watching Ava and Maverick, I realize I want that. I want the family and I want the doting husband.
The normal warm-and-fuzzy feeling I get when I watch my family is replaced by something heavy and sad. I feel a pangin my chest, something awfully close to longing. Maybe even jealousy. Everyone at this table is loudly in love except for me.
Keeping things casual with Rhett was just as beneficial to me as it was to him. But now I’m wondering: is it worth it? All we are doing is having fun and wasting time. What if I’m missing out on my happily ever after for my happy for now? Would that be worth a fallout of Rhett and Weston if he found out? Would that ruin everything that’s at this table? The friendship they share would be hindered. Obviously, we’re both consenting adults. That’s not the issue. The issue was the lying and the sneaking around for years. I know Weston would be so hurt not just by Rhett, but by me too.
Rhett’s hand glides over my knee, startling me. I look over at the man I spent so much time with, and I wonder what it would be like if we bridged that gap. I’ve thought about it more and more lately. That small space of distance I had between us, the part of me that was cool with casual, is being crushed into dust.
Would it be worth it then if this is more than just fun? I get a warm feeling in my chest every single time I look at Rhett, but I want more than that. I need more.
It’s funny that I walked into family dinner expecting a fun night, not an existential crisis. But I think this is a good wake-up call. It's time for me to grow up. I haven’t been ready for more, but I can feel it now. I want to be chosen. Being the little sister, I’ve been background noise my entire life. Always following my brother and his friends around. But I think it’s time for me to choose myself and not be background noise.
“You okay?” Rhett whispers to me. His hand squeezes my knee and I swear I can feel it around my heart instead.
I clear my throat, smiling for show. “Yeah, I’m fine, but I need to talk to you after dinner,” I whisper back.
He ever so subtly tilts his head back, but he nods.
I try to shake off the restless feeling in my chest and enjoy the rest of dinner. Luckily, it’s kind of easy to get sidetracked when there’s so much personality at the table. Ava is almost as sassy as I am, and Willow bosses my brother around, which brings me deep joy. Being the little sister, he was always bossy to me. It’s nice to watch him get put in his place. And he does it with a smile.
As dinner finishes up, I help my mom collect plates and bring them to the kitchen sink, rinsing them off as she loads them into the dishwasher.
I can feel Rhett's eyes on me. I always can. He knows something’s up. That man can read me like a damn book. When we’re in bed and he’s four seconds away from getting me off and knows exactly what to do to get me there? It’s pretty nice. Right now not so much… I’m starting to realize we’re tangled in more than just the sheets. I think my feelings have grown a little bit too much and I need to nip it in the bud.
I say my goodbyes and slowly walk out of the house, knowing Rhett is right behind me.
I get far enough away that if someone wanted to sneak out of the house, they wouldn’t be able to catch our conversation.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?” Rhett asks as he sweeps a piece of my hair behind my ear.
I blink up at him, trying to find the right words. There is far too much going on in my head for me to even decipher; nevertheless, I try and verbalize, “I don’t really know what’s going on, but I think I want something different.”
