“That’s good.”
Comfortable silence hangs between us for a few minutes. She closes her eyes, relaxing into the water. I set the protein bar down on the counter; I think she’ll be skipping it tonight.
“While you’re here, we should talk about how we want to do this once the baby is here?” She rolls her head to look at me.
“Baths?” I ask, a little confused at her train of thought.
She rolls her eyes. “No, our living situation. How we are going to split time with the baby. Where will the baby sleep? How will it work?”
It’s something I've thought about, but it still stings. The thought of not always getting to come home to my kid. Having to split time and miss their firsts. A fresh wave of resentment rolls over me for this damn disease. It’s taken so much from me, and I don’t think it’s done yet.
“I’m okay for whatever is easiest for you and the baby,” I offer.
In a perfect world, we would be doing this together. We would be together. This would be exactly how I would want my life to look like. Only it's not. Guilt washes over me with that thought. I’m not even sure if it’s what she wants, I know it is for me.
“Super helpful, thank you. I was thinking while the baby is little, overnights should probably be here, especially if I’m breastfeeding. Once that stops, I guess we can just take turns. Maybe you have them on the nights I work?” she asks.
“Okay.” I have an idea, but I’m not sure if she will go for it. “How would you feel about me staying on the couch the first few weeks. I know it’ll be a lot and I don’t want you to have to do it all by yourself.”
She sucks her lips into her teeth as she takes a deep breath, the only sign that maybe she didn’t like that idea. “Yeah, I think that would be good. It’s important for you to bond with the baby,too. A lot of that comes with the night stuff.” She nods, thinking through her words.
I feel my body relax, I hadn’t even realized I was coiled up. “Thanks, Aspen, I really didn’t want to miss that.”
“That’s usually the part people want to skip over; you sure you don’t want to...”
I lift my shoulder, trying to find the words to express what’s been going through my mind. “I guess that is the blessing that comes with getting something you thought you’d never have. You appreciate all of it, the good and the bad, for what it is, a gift. Time is a gift.”
“You are one in a million,” she says, looking more sad than happy.
“You okay?” I question as I reach out to wipe a bubble from her cheek. Desperate for any touch of her skin that I can get. She closes her eyes when my thumb brushes against her. She looks so damn beautiful right now. Cheeks rosy from the warmth of the tub and glowing skin.
She flutters her eyes and makes a noncommittal sound. “Yeah, of course, I’m just making some wishes.” She smiles at me. I don’t completely buy it, but I don’t push any farther. “Hey, your appointment is coming up soon, right?”
I nod my head yes. “Yeah, it’s in a week.”
“I’d like to come if you’ll let me.”
That appointment is the scariest thing I might ever do in my life, right next to being a parent. I’m not sure if I want her to see me like that. She looks at me like I'm indestructible, and I don’t want that to go away.
“You don’t have to. I won’t get any definitive answers from it.”
“It’s important to me to be there for you. You’ve been my rock through all of this lately and I think it’s the least I can do. Please.” She turns, and I have to fight to keep my eyes above the bubbles.
“If you really want to, that’d be great.” Maybe she will be the distraction I need. She’s the bright spot in any room she walks in, and I have a feeling I’ll be needing it. “You might be the one thing that gets me through it.”
It feels almost too vulnerable to admit that. To admit that I need her, or anybody for that matter. Truth is, I need her like I need the air in my lungs.
She looks far too happy to be going to a doctor's appointment. “Great. We should get lunch while we're up there. Try and make it a fun day.”
“Whatever you want.”
Her stomach rumbles and her cheeks flush.
“That’s my cue to go finish your dinner. Holler if you need me; I’ll have it ready when you get out.”
She nods, closing her eyes. I step out of the bathroom, walk into the hallway, then into the kitchen.
My mind is at constant war with my heart when it comes to that girl. She is everything I need and everything I can’t have all at the same time. There’s a lot of things I can be selfish with in life, but she isn’t one of them. I can’t give her everything she deserves, but I can take care of her and I’m going to make sure to knock that job out of the park.
