“Oh.”
“I didn’t want you to think I was judging you. I mean, I drink too and sometimes too much. It took me a while to spot that you were doing it so habitually. In the end I had to say something to you about it. I’m glad that you’ve taken it so well. It comes from a place of love.”
“I know.” Lily squeezed my hand. “You make me want to face it.”
“What matters to me is that you know I’ve got your back and I’m not judging you. Ever. If you still want to have a couple of drinks or whatever to chill out, that’s your choice and I’ll respect that.”
Lily kissed the back of my hand. “I know, baby.”
We sat for a while holding hands.
“About your music,” Lily said, raising her eyebrows.
“Yes?”
“I can’t say I don’t believe what I said but I’m sorry I pushed you on it like that. Like you, I said what I said from a place of love. How do you feel about it?”
“No, I also needed to hear it. Let’s just say I’ve taken what you said to heart. I like that you challenge me like that too. I need a partner who’s willing to stick their neck out and say the hard thing rather than walk on eggshells around me, and who appreciates when I do it for them, too. I think it’s important.”
“Wow. I thought I’d really fucked that up.”
“Does this mean we survived our first fight?” I looked into Lily’s eyes, hopefully.
“It does. And here’s to many more, as long as they keep bringing us closer like this.”
I laughed. “You’re so sweet.”
Lily took a deep breath. “Can we keep talking like this when things get hard?”
“Absolutely,” I confirmed.
Lily continued. “I think a lot of what we’re saying here will be in working things through together, trial and error and showing each other. Little by little, know what I mean? It doesn’t feel authentic to say that everything’s fully resolved after one conversation. We need to see these changes in each other. Or we need to show each other. Actions speak louder than words and all that.”
“I totally agree. We keep talking, even when it’s hard.” I squeezed Lily’s thigh. “And on that note, I’m going to get back to my old self again and do more things outside of us. Take the pressure off. Like I said, you can let me know when you need space and I’ll do my best to respect that.”
Lily nodded gently. It meant the world to me. “There’s so much good between us. I want to get back to enjoying life with you by my side. You make me feel excited about the future and I want that future with you very much. I want you. But let’s take our time. Baby steps.”
I smiled so hard I felt it in my cheeks. “I want you too, baby. I’m so happy we’re on the same wavelength. It really matters.”
“It does.”
“I meant what I said about doing the work on myself. I’m going to start going to therapy to work through my neediness and my fear of being seen and rejected. I’m going to sit through all the discomfort of talking about it and addressing it. I’m doing it for us, yes, but mostly myself.”
“I’m really proud of you, Rona. Is now a good time to say that I’ve also been seriously considering therapy? After speaking with Dr Muller today it made me see I need it.”
“That’s so funny we’ve both come to the decision we need therapy separately.”
“If it means protecting our relationship and making it healthier, I’m all in.”
“You’re better at this whole relationship thing than you think.”
“Actually, I have my first request. You know I love sleeping with you, as in the sleeping part and sharing a bed after we have sex?”
“I do. I love sleeping with you, too. I’ve never slept so well in my life.”
“I love that. But would it be okay if we didn’t always cuddle when we go to sleep? I love cuddling you but for the sleeping part, I’m good with just rolling over and actually sleeping.” Lily held her breath, bracing herself for my response.
I held her hand. It was soft and clammy. “Of course! That’s totally okay. I want you to be comfortable.”
