***
We arrived at Glastonbury in the morning amid rolling hills and the lifting of the morning dew. The energy at the festival was palpable. People were already walking around, hanging around in groups, getting ready for an epic day ahead. The festival organisers – stage crew, catering, security – were buzzing around in vans and hi-vis vests with radios and things to do. And the noise! It was loud and not dissimilar to a city, minus the traffic. My legs were shaking as I got off the minibus.
“Are you okay?” Lily touched my arm, giving me some stability. She’d been by my side for days in this whole build up to the performance.
“No, but I’m here and I’m going to get this done.”
We met up with Nell and Oscar in the artists’ area, which included friends and family. We wouldn’t get a proper sound check and had to trust that the festival organisers hadall that covered. I had my exact rituals before a gig so not getting the sound check in was different, but I would handle it.
“How you feeling, Rona?” Oscar asked me. He had this look of fear in his eyes that was doing nothing to settle me. He knew what we went through back in the day and he knew exactly what this meant to me.
“I feel like I might throw up and like it’s Christmas morning all in one. No, I’m more excited than ten Christmas mornings as a kid put together, but with this added layer of total anxiety, so the dread and the energy is honestly making me feel like I need to lie down.”
“Say how you really feel,” Oscar replied. “If I’m honest, I feel similar. Being here is bringing a lot back. Good and bad.”
“I know. I wish it was only the good stuff.”
Lily listened to our conversation with a steadiness I’d come to rely on so much lately. Now she was having to deal with Oscar’s nerves too, and he wasn’t even going on stage. “I think you guys are going to feel a lot better after today. All that stuff you dealt with back then is so in the past. Not to downplay what you went through or anything. I just think today is going to be great. It already feels kind of special, don’t you think? I guess I haven’t been to anything like this before.”
“It is special today.” I squeezed Lily’s hand, grateful for her strength and support.
“Yeah, you’re right,” Oscar replied. “This is a new era. Rona, you’re healing us all!”
“Healing everyone from what?” Nell asked, arriving by the three of us with four small bottles of water and handing them to each of us.
“Old demons.” I accepted the bottle of water.
“Fuck your old demons. This is a dream. Rona, you’re the act everyone is talking about. Your songs are breaking the internet. I’m going to be right there with you on stage. Just look over at me anytime you get the jitters. I’m gonna be dancing and bouncing and fucking partying right along with you. We’re gonna show people the best time, I know it. Just don’t tell people you feel like you’re taking a shit in front of thousands of people being up there. I don’t think you’re ready for that kind of vulnerability yet.”
“Nell, I love you,” Lily said.
“I hear you, dude.” I inhaled, feeling stronger by the second due to Nell’s bolt of encouragement, before resting my eyes on my dear Oscar.
“Don’t look at me,” Oscar said. “You don’t need my nervous energy today I’m only making you worse.”
I put my arm around him, reaching up as he was so tall. “Mate, I know you know what this means to me and everything we went through. I think Nell’s right though. Today is a dream and I want to enjoy it. I want you to enjoy it too. I’m going to be fine. And so are you.”
“I’ll try to be!” Oscar hugged me.
Nell and Lily both rolled their eyes, but not in unkind ways. Oscar was emotional, like me, and there was something in the air today which reminded us both of the last time we played here.
I spent the afternoon going over and over my set with Nell, so that every single moment was rehearsed and special. We were only going to be on stage for an hour so there was no time to waste. Our equipment was with the festival in line to be setup at the appropriate time. The festival ran a tight ship, and we had to hand the reins over to them. We’d brought some spare kit to warm up with. My hands shook on the keyboard whenever I pictured being in front of somany people. When it happened. I stopped playing and just breathed, trying not to think about it. I wanted to be here, and it was a dream opportunity to share my songs with people who liked them and live out my childhood dreams.
Compared to where I was ten years ago or even last month, I liked myself a whole lot better now. It didn’t matter if I got rejected anymore. I had so much love in my life and for myself these days. My therapy was helping and I was a journalling ninja. Loving myself was all that mattered in the end.
I knew that now.
We could hear one of the stages from where we were rehearsing and there were televisions showing the live feed being broadcast to the whole of the UK on BBC iPlayer. My family were all going to be watching. I was trying not to think about that either. This all felt so surreal.
The acts on before us were amazing, and I really wanted to be out in the crowd enjoying the festival like everyone else. Lily had stayed with us the entire time. Her calm and steading presence was like a drug to me today, and it was helping. I think she knew, and that’s why she stayed so close. By five, we were as ready as we could possibly be.
“You could perform this set in your sleep by now, Rona. I really believe it,” Nell said.
Lily nodded, sitting beside me with one arm resting on my thigh. “I think it’s the best thing I’ve ever heard. I wasn’t even into dance music before and now I finally get it because of you. Emotional dance music mixing in all the different elements like hip-hop and spoken word and samples and snippets from these other songs literally blows my fucking mind. I have no idea how you can create something like this with your brain, Rona. Do you realise how special you are? Do you fucking realise how muchpeople are going to love this when you play it out there live? I can’t wait.”
Nell and I froze. Lily had been quiet for hours. It was like Lily had burst open, saying what she really meant and she hadn’t held back.
“Sorry. I said too much.” Lily placed her hand over her mouth. “I’m supposed to be quiet and supportive. I apologise.”
