“Is it stage fright?”
“Yep, terrible stage fright. I think there’s something inherently unnatural about standing up in front of thousands of people, at least for me. It’s like my body takesover and is like, no, this isnotsafe. With the band, we had to cancel some gigs because I was ill with anxiety in the end. And back then, I was just figuring myself out. I was in my early twenties. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t.”
“Who were you trying to be?”
“I was trying to be this demure pretty girl swanning around with the microphone while the boys let loose and played all the instruments. We thought it would look better on stage that way. More marketable.”
“Ouch. Who gave you that advice?”
“The record company. But we totally bought into it. The thing was, I couldn’t pull it off.”
“How do you mean?”
“Apparently, I didn’t smile enough, and mylookdidn’t work. It was true. I didn’t know what to wear or what to say. I was so awkward. One minute I’d be performing in a short skirt and trying to look sexy, and at the next gig I’d wear a tracksuit and tie my hair back like I was just back from the gym. I did try to just be myself towards the end but all I felt was judged, ridiculed, and rejected. I was a mess. The online comments really got to me. I hadn’t realised I wasthatunattractive until I had the audacity to be in the public eye.”
“That’s ridiculous. You’re very attractive,” I corrected her.
“Maybe it was just plain old-fashioned misogyny, I don’t know. The name-calling and hateful comments stuck the most. Fun times.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t believe how hard that must have been. Do you think some of it was also homophobic?”
“Absolutely it was. To be honest, it put me off writing music for the longest time. It’s taken me a long time to get to this place where I feel like I’m enjoying what I do and who I am again.”
“Are you still in touch with your bandmates?”
“Yep, we’re still friends. We’ve known each other since we were kids. We went to a specialist music school together. Oscar is gay too. He’s helped me so much over the years. Jacob is the soundest straight white guy you’ll ever meet. Very quiet and unassuming. Gentle.”
“They sound awesome.”
“There were tensions when we were in the band together though. I wrote the music. The boys wrote too but my stuff was always what our label wanted us to record. The problem was, I thought I had to write lyrics that would be appealing to most people rather than lyrics that meant something to me. Singing that shit started to really bug me. I had no idea who I was. I felt I had to be a certain way in order to be liked and to be successful. Sad, really.”
Rona’s whole demeanour deflated. It was like a shadow crossed her.
“I can see how that would have caused some misalignment with your friends and yourself.”
“We did our best. They’re both great musicians so it wasn’t easy on them either. The record company had us in a bind. I set the overall direction for the songs, and we collaborated on my inauthentic lyrics. I made sure we all got equal credits on the songs though.”
“That was very noble of you.” I made sure my family were financially secure once I started earning lots of money too. It was one of the first things I’d done with it all.
We made it to the opposite side of the beach and picked a spot. It was much quieter over here, but I spotted some people from last night in the distance.
I spread my towel on the sand next to Rona’s. We sat on our towels and watched the sea. Rona pulled a book out ofher bag but didn’t open it. I tried not to notice the shape of her legs and the sand collecting in between her toes.
“Why did you guys stop? Was it because of your experience on stage?”
“It wasn’t just that, but it was a big factor given we kept having to cancel shows because of me. It was overwhelming for all of us in different ways. We needed a break and to try something new.”
“What did you guys do after the band?”
“I did a degree in sound engineering and audio technology. Jacob did his own solo thing and he’s really big in the electronic music scene. Oscar had one very successful album but then he went off the rails a bit, partying too much, and hasn’t released anything since. He struggles a bit with his mental health.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Do you see them often?”
“Yeah, quite often. Sometimes we hang out and spin old records together and Nell joins too. Oscar helps me in the studio sometimes. I’ll lend some vocals to Jacob’s new EDM tracks now and then. We’re very music orientated as a friend group. Always have been.”
“That’s lovely. And you’ve done amazingly well as a music producer. Making music for massive stars sounds like an amazing job.”
“It has its moments. I won the Mercury Prize for best producer in twenty-twenty-two and an Ivor Novello in twenty-twenty-three. Not gonna lie, they’re my proudest achievements.”
