Lily laughed. “Cheers. The BBC asked me to come back for another three matches. Apparently, my appearance was quite well received. There could be a regular role for me.”
“Wow, how do you feel about that? Is it something you want to do?”
Lily wobbled her head. “I enjoyed it and I’ll probably keep doing it for a bit, but I’m still considering my options.”
“What does that mean?”
“Well,” Lily scratched the side of her head. “I’m not sure if it’s what I want to do long term. It’s hard to be around the football world in this new way where I’m not playing. It doesn’t feel like me.”
I considered what she was saying for a few moments. “Do you mind if I share an observation with you?”
She shook her head.
“Obviously I’ve only known you since you retired but it seems to me like you are grieving the loss of your career and your way of life. You loved playing and were hugely successful. I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to be comfortable with the fact that you’re finding this new stage of your life hard but I think it’s understandable you’re struggling with it. Change is hard. Take your time with it all, you know? There’s no rush to get to the next thing.”
Lily leaned forward on the little table again. I preferred it when she was close like this. “Maybe I am grieving it. I hadn’t thought of it that way.” She was quiet for a moment. “Sometimes I feel like I need to prove myself in a totally new field.”
“Why?”
“I’ve always felt like I had more to offer than just playing football. I’ve excelled at it and it has given me a life I’m so grateful for. I’m beyond lucky. But I have more to give. Maybe I should stay away from it for a while. I mean, it’s all I know and I do love it. God, I’m a mess right now.” Lily shook her head, as if frustrated by herself.
Lily was opening up to me. I wanted to help her in any way I could. “Who do you need to prove anything to?”
Lily took a deep breath in, and slowly exhaled. “To my parents. My family. They’re all doctors. They think I’m the stupid one. They’ve never said that, of course, but I feeltheir judgement. Probably to myself though too. I have all this energy and it doesn’t seem to go anywhere now.”
“I don’t think you have anything to prove to anyone, Lily. You’d be a success at anything you put your mind to. You’re clever, insightful, passionate, hard-working, and you speak well. People listen to you.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Just my observations.”
Lily smiled. “Thanks, Rona, that’s kind.”
I did something new for me and reached out and held her hand. Her skin was so soft. I squeezed it and smiled. We held each other’s eyes. The connection fizzed right up my arm, settling somewhere in my core. I was taken right back to the last night in Greece and all the things we did with each other.
Lily spoke again. “It’s weird not knowing what your future is going to be when you’re not quite free of your old life and you’ve not quite entered your new one either. It’s like I’m stuck inside a transition. It’s like my whole identity has been taken away and now I don’t know who I am anymore. So I drink and watch Netflix.”
“Here, wait, can you say that again, I think it’s beautiful and I want to record it.” I went into the flat to get my recorder.
When I came back, Lily looked confused.
“You want to record me?”
“Would that be okay?”
“What would you use it for?”
“I might put it in a song. But I would change the pitch so it wouldn’t be obvious it was you. I wouldn’t share it without your permission. I make loads of songs just for myself.”
Lily considered it. “Sure, that sounds fine. To be honest I’m honoured you thought of it.”
I smiled. She was so humble. “Okay, go.” I pressed record.
“I can’t remember what I said now.”
“You were talking about being in transition. About losing your identity.”
“Ah, yeah.” Lily paused before saying it again perfectly word for word. She sounded clear and honest. Her voice was so smooth. It was a heady mix for me and I couldn’t help but sample it. She was a good sport and said it twice.
When she finished, I poured us each some more wine, and I looked at her. “Do you think you might be currently undergoing a metamorphosis?”
“What does that mean?”
