I pointed things out to Rona as we made our way into the main entrance, past statues of old greats in the men’s game and huge glass panelled doors draped in the club’s colours of red and white. I told her that this was the club my whole family had always supported, back when it was only a male team, all the way through to present day, with the women’s, too. It was a big part of my childhood. I used to come to this place with my dad to watch games and dream of being a player and winning trophies. That I got to actually do it was still kind of surreal, now that I was looking back on it all.
Tony, the head groundskeeper met us in reception after I let security know I was here. He was dressed in all green overalls, just the same as ever.
“There she is! Thought you’d forgotten about us, Lily!” Tony patted my shoulder. I’d missed him.
“How could I?”
“I saw you on the BBC; you were brilliant!”
“Nah. Just mouthy.”
“Nothing new there then,” he laughed.
“This is my friend Rona.” I instantly regretted calling her this but then again, it was all so new.
“Welcome to the club, Rona. Come on through and I’ll let Lily give you the tour.”
We followed Tony towards the tunnel to the pitch past the changing rooms.
The team was on a losing streak recently. They’d had their worst start to the WSL since it began. I was glad Tonydidn’t bring it up. Nikki and Sophie were doing everything they could to improve the performances. I’d been having long chats on the phone with both of them to help figure out what was going wrong, too. Sophie felt it was the new tactics the manager had insisted on this season, while Nikki thought it was because the team were without their captain, me, and were drifting apart. I had no answer for her, because I didn’t think that could be the case. They needed to create a new sense of leadership within the team, and I was happy to encourage this as best I could. Because the truth was, they needed to move on from me, too.
When we stepped into the stadium and were surrounded by sixty thousand empty seats stretched across the huge dome, Rona’s mouth fell open. “Wow,” she said.
“Not bad is it?” Tony faced us. “I’ll leave you to it.” He squeezed my shoulder on his way past. “Say cheerio before you leave, will you?”
I promised Tony I would.
Rona’s eyes were wide and bright. She looked like an excited kid. “Can we walk on the grass?”
I’d hoped she would like this date. I was slightly worried she might find it boring. But so far so good. “We can, just as long as we’re careful not to scuff it.”
We walked straight out into the middle of the pitch towards the half-way line. The angle of the sun at this time of year, the earthy smell, the feeling of being the centre of attention in such a giant space all came flooding back. It was strange, but it was as if I knew every square foot, every blade of grass. This place was in body. It was in my soul.
Rona was right by my side. “How do you feel being back?”
“Great. It’s home.” My voice was higher than normal. I felt like I wasn’t verbalising something. I couldn’t put my finger on how I was feeling.
Rona nodded. “I can feel the power of this place. It must have felt electric playing here with all those seats filled.”
“It was the best feeling in the world. Especially when I was in the flow. But it’s over now.” My voice sounded flat now.
“I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t be. I need to let go. I mean, I have already, but now it’s really time. It feels like the old me, not that I have a clue what the new me is yet. This isn’t my life anymore. I had a lovely send off and everything.”
Rona’s eyes were kind. “It was your whole life. It’s okay to still feel connected to it.”
I felt my eyes well up. I looked away, hoping to fuck Rona hadn’t clocked it. “It’s taking me too long to move on. I think my mind has but my heart hasn’t.”
She put her hand on my arm. “It’s okay. You’re bound to feel emotional.”
“Thanks. It’s not like me to show it, is all.”
“This was your purpose and now you’re in search of a new one.”
I searched her face. Her eyes were kind. Her heart was pure gold. I felt like I could tell her anything and she would keep my secrets safe.
“What if I never do anything as good as this in my life again? I feel like I’ve peaked. It’s depressing.”
