“How does she make you feel about yourself?”
“Important. Worthy. Interesting. She makes me feel like I’m special. I like having all her attention. Is that bad?”
“It’s not bad. We need attention.”
“But maybe it’s clouding my judgement.”
“You don’t make a pros and cons list for love. If you had to sum it up, how are you feeling?”
“Wonderful.”
“That’s what mattes, I think.”
“Thanks, Oscar. But let’s not talk about her anymore. I feel bad about it, she’s right there.”
“For what it’s worth, I think you make a great couple. It’s early days but you can see from a mile away that you two are good together.”
“You haven’t seen us really talk to each other.”
“Vibes and body language, darling. You point towards each other. You catch each other’s eyes. You check in. That touch on your hand when you came over was very sweet.”
Oscar’s observations and his words meant a lot. I let them sink in. In my hesitation, Lily and Jacob came back with more pints and started handing them out. She really was the perfect girlfriend. Dating Lily and being out as a couple just worked. It was like our whole relationship was clicking into place. I smiled at Lily even though she wasn’t looking at me, watching her chat with my friends and exude the warmest energy.
She looked up and smiled back. It was a relaxed, almost goofy smile. She was having a good time tonight and I was happy for her.
As the night went on, in the back of my head, all I could do was wonder, or marvel, at how lucky I was to have this new connection with Lily in my life because it felt like only yesterday I was unbelievably heartbroken about Becca.
That this connection with Lily could come in and gently nourish me back to life meant only one thing: what we had was special and I was going to hold onto her for dear life.
~ 15 ~
Lily
Rona stirred beside me in the bed. She was an extremely cute sleeper. She sometimes did little breathing noises which I found myself listening to during the night. It was so comforting. She was curled up like an adorable creature and all I wanted to do was hug her and smell the side of her head. I’d been awake for a while, reading, and I’d just about managed not to wake her up, which I was proud of myself for.
“Morning,” Rona mumbled. She turned over and reached for me.
I found her hand and held it. I loved her voice, its velvety intelligence, but I loved it most when she was being soft and sweet like this. It felt like a voice she’d only use for me.
“Good morning.” I leaned over and kissed her lips briefly, pausing to inhale her before I sat back up.
“Don’t smell my morning breath. I want you to find me attractive. I can’t have you knowing I’m a real person this early on.”
“I know you’re a real person, Rona. I love how you smell, morning breath and garlic breath. I’m here for it.”
Rona gave me a small smile and shook her head. “You’re weird, and I’m here for that.”
I shrugged and caught myself before saying it was only because I loved her. It shocked me. Was that how I was feeling? I stayed silent as I processed. It was definitely too soon to tell her I loved her. She would think I was mad. Maybe I was mad. I didn’t do the whole love declarationthing that most lesbians did early on. I’d never done that. For me, it took me a while to really trust someone. I’d trusted Rona almost immediately, though, come to think of it. But we were still building that, and I didn’t want to freak her out.
Rona looked up at me with slight concern. “What are you thinking?”
I closed my book and put it on the bedside table. “Nothing.”
She sat up and glanced at my book. “Have you been up for a while? What are you reading?”
“About an hour. It’s another book about purpose.” I’d been doing a lot of reading lately. My brain was soaking it up. Some of it reminded me of the time we worked with a psychologist before the World Cup when we talked about visualisation and how to stay calm under pressure. I couldn’t get enough of the self-help section in the bookshop. I’d gone in with a backpack and practically bought the whole shelf. The books were piled up beside the bed. When Rona went to the studio, I picked one up and immersed myself in it. She’d been going into the studio a lot. I had no idea music producers worked such long hours, then again, I knew nothing about producers before I met her. When Rona would get home or I went over to hers, I’d tell her everything I read, and she seemed to love hearing about it. She too loved getting engrossed in a new area of interest, she’d told me, so she understood. I was touched that she encouraged me as much as she did.
“Oh yeah, what does it say?”
