The next song was even headier. I let Nell handle the music and I stood at the front and sang my heart out, hitting my notes, just about.
I ended my set at the end of the song to the warm reception of the crowd, feeling like I was on top of the world. “Thank you for being here. Thank you for being the best crowd ever!”
The festival’s filler music came on as Nell and I left the stage. My heart was still beating fast as we jumped around the little area backstage in celebration.
“You were incredible, Rona.”
“No, you were!”
“They loved your songs.”
“I’m so happy!”
“You could do this for real as a solo artist. It’s who you are,” she suggested, pointedly, staring at me.
It was a source of tension between us. I produced music. Nell was my creative partner outside of her other freelance work. She was also my best friend. She knew I wasn’t looking to release this stuff. But being here in this beautiful island venue and playing my dance music for sapphics while wearing a baggy t-shirt and ripped jean shorts felt so good, and she could feel it too.
Nell had many piercings and short styled hair. She was very pretty and did her best to look fierce. Right now, she looked terrifying.
I folded my arms across my chest. “It’s too risky. I’m finally in a good place, creatively. Opening this up to the world might spoil it.”
“Why is it too risky? What would be spoiled?”
I gave her a long hard look before picking up my rucksack and throwing it over my shoulder. She knew how bad it had been with the band. My fifteen minutes of fame hadn’t been kind to me. Hoisting the bag higher up my shoulder, I turned back to my best friend. “I like playing under this name. Not that I particularly enjoy the build up to these sets but once I get going it seems to work out well by playing small gigs to the queers like this. I’m a thirty-five-year-old lesbian who loves making emotional music to dance to. I’m not the car-crash girl from that indie-pop band years ago. No one knows who I am. I don’t want to ruin that.”
“You could have a great album with your new material. And this crowd would love it. Just look at how they responded to two songs.”
“I don’t want my life to be for public consumption again. Been there done that, and I’ve only just about recovered from it all.”
Nell folded her arms. “You’ve had a hugely successful career since then. A lot has changed.”
“Has it? I’m a human being not a brand. All female music artists I know have to glam up and put their whole personal life out there. The guys can rock up in jeans and a t-shirt and not give a fuck, but we can’t. No fucking thank you. I’m happy living under the radar.”
“Then don’t share much. Just have fun with it. Start releasing what you’ve got under your real name. See where it goes.”
I could see where she was coming from. I really could. I was a successful music producer for some of the biggest names in the industry. I’d started making music for myself again and was feeling creatively inspired. I was happy DJ’ing small gigs or bespoke queer festivals like this and doing myown thing, in my own way. Of course I’d want to release music being authentically me. It would be a dream. But that was separate from my music producing career, almost. I didn’t need to monetise my passion project. I had a niche special interest making music just for myself while I churned out hit songs and albums for other people. I was able to make a decent enough living from producing. “Like I said, I like how it is now. Why change anything?”
“Because it would be good for you.”
I disagreed but loved her for trying to look out for me. I put my arm around her shoulders. “Let’s just have fun with it right now, eh? That’s what it’s all about, after all.” I felt myself grin. We’d played a great set and really enjoyed it. We were in the perfect location with our closest friends. This was going to be an epic night, I could feel it.
Nell smiled. Her sword lowered. “Okay. I won’t go on about it anymore. But you know how I feel about it.”
We joined our friends on the little dancefloor as the crowd cheered for the next DJ to come on. Everyone was dancing and we hugged and slammed into them all. Being around this many sapphics and queers was like being rocked inside a soft cocoon.
“Fucking hell, Rona, you guys made me cream myself with all that,” Vicky said. “You had this whole place on the edge of coming with those tunes.” She laughed.
Mathilde slapped Vicky’s arm, not so gently, then looked at me. “I agree. I wouldn’t have put it so crudely, but it was excellent, both of you.”
Kaira had turned red, nodding her head to the beat. She gave me a thumbs up and smiled.
Bouchra was dancing away to the current song but gave me a smile and a look that said she enjoyed my set.
“I’m just the glorified tech guy. That was all Rona’s concoction,” Nell stated.
“You were incredible,” Lily said to me, looking very sexy sporting a pristine white muscle-tank and stylish black denim shorts. Even her trainers looked brand new. The rest of us looked scruffy in comparison.
“I couldn’t agree more. Hey, I like you,” Nell said, looking at Lily.
