“Like what?”
Rona raised her hand in the air, in no particular direction, then dropped it. “I just said.”
“Hmmm.”
“Lily, surely you must have noticed something has changed. Maybe it’s the pressure you’re putting on yourself at work. Maybe it’s been all this attention we’ve gotten as a couple. You know I haven’t enjoyed that. It feels like something has crept in between us, and I want to resolve it now, in case it pushes us even further apart. I love you and I want to know how I can best support you even at times like these, when it feels like there’s something wrong. I’ll do anything to make it better.” Her eyes searched mine.
I took a deep breath. I loved her so much and this was why I hadn’t already run out the door. “I guess I feel overwhelmed.”
“What by?”
“By everything. Everything’s just a bit much right now.”
Rona held her hands out, palms facing up, like she was asking me what by again.
I walked past her to the living room and sat on the footstool.
She followed me and remained standing, her hands on her hips.
“It’s been a lot. Work and, well, us. We dived headfirst into this. I don’t know why, but sometimes, lately, I’ve been starting to feel a bit suffocated.”
Rona stayed quiet for a few moments. “What by?”
It was my turn to stay quiet. I hated myself for what I was about to say, but I had to. I had to let her know the truth of what I was feeling. I would never lie to her. “By you. By us. I don’t know. I don’t know why I always end up feeling like this in relationships.”
Rona nodded, slowly. “I see. I didn’t realise I was affecting you like that. I’m sorry. Thank you for telling me.”
“I’m sorry, Rona.”
She was quiet for a very long time. “What can I do to help?”
“Would it be okay if you gave me some space for a bit?”
Disappointment fell across her face. “Sure. For how long?”
“I don’t know. Maybe a few days? Or a week? Just until I get my head around things.”
She nodded. “Absolutely. Whatever you need.” She continued nodding.
Was Rona really this fine about it? My throat felt tight. Now that the words were out of my mouth, was I willing to rock the boat as much as this?
There was a long silence.
Rona swallowed, hard. “It’s very difficult for me to hear that you’re finding me suffocating. God,” her voice quivered. “What am I even doing here.” Rona started pacing the room. She touched her head. “You never even asked meto move in and yet I spend all my time here. I feel like such an idiot.”
I stood, having expected some kind of reaction like this. “You’re not an idiot.” I held out my arms to comfort her, wanting to make this uncomfortable conversation go away, even though I knew it had been building for a while and it was inevitable that we were going to have it, even though I didn’t like it.
Rona shook her head.
I put my arms down.
Rona rubbed the back of her neck. “My work isn’t going great right now. I’m not enjoying it. But I don’t say there’s something wrong with our relationship because things are hard at work or I’m too busy.”
“It’s not like that.”
“All I do is think about you, put your needs first, love you, and now you tell me I’m suffocating you.”
“You asked me what was wrong, that’s why I told you. I don’t know why you’ve stopped enjoying your work. It breaks my heart. I don’t want you to stop doing all the things that you used to love doing. It feels like all you do is wait for me these days. I know it’s been hard for you with all the crazy photographers and stuff about us online, but it’s too much pressure. It’s too much pressure on me.” My breathing was rapid and shallow. My throat still felt tight. Yet, I was still annoyed. This needed to be said. Rona was right about that. We needed to get this stuff off our chests.
