“It is.”
“But see, this is what I mean, Lily and I have been like that, we were like that pretty much the whole time since we’ve been together. This is why I don’t understand how she’s now saying I’m overwhelming her. I didn’t realise I was doing anything wrong. Spending time together is what we do. It’s what couples do. So what’s the difference with us? I still don’t get how I’m supposed to know when that becomes a problem.”
Nell winced, and then weighed up her thoughts, it seemed. “Given how hard you fell for Lily, it’s not that surprising you repeated the same pattern. It’s just a shame you struggle to feel secure in your relationships. I hope you know that we’re solid, yeah?”
“I do,” I replied, feeling comforted.
“Is there any truth to what Lily is saying?” Nell said, tentatively.
Thinking about it deeper, I forced myself to put aside my hurt and my ego and fully consider Lily’s perspective. Was I too clingy and was I using our relationship to avoid my career? Did I actuallywantto be seen? I’d thrown myself into the relationship and not given her an inch of space. I’d abandoned myself. I was squeezing the life out of what we had by holding on too tight. The thing I always did. Ugh.
“Maybe there is. I’m a nightmare, Nell. What the fuck is wrong with me?”
“Aren’t we all, in some way? Nobody’s perfect.”
“I don’t want to fuck this up. I need to be better. I don’t want to lose her.”
“It’s just your first argument. It’s normal. Like I said, it would be weird if you two never argued. Conflict in relationships isn’t the problem. It’s how you repair afterwards.”
“This is the first real test we’ve faced.”
“What are you going to do. What is your gut saying?”
My gut was telling me to leave Lily alone for now and to focus on myself. I needed it. “That we need a breather. I’ve humiliated myself enough. I’m still tempted to chase her. But I won’t. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m no longer going to chase people, even Lily. I’m done running after women. I am so fucking done with it, Nell.”
Nell whistled. “Go, you!”
“I don’t know who I am as someone who doesn’t chase their partner. It already feels unnatural.”
“It will do but you’ll get the hang of it, I’m sure, and it’ll only help your relationship.”
The music played.
I took a breath and thought of how good it felt when Lily and I were together. How nothing matched the connection we had. All I could do was trust that what we had was bigger than anything I’d experienced before, and that it would not go past us. If it was about how we handled conflict then I would do the work on myself to be able to have these conversations, and to address what Lily called me out on, and hope that she would do the same.
“You’re right, Nell. I really think you are. It’s not the conflict that’s the problem, it’s how we repair. We need toaddress our own stuff and talk it through. I want this relationship to be based on something real. I want us to be able to show each other our worst sides and for us to still be able to hold that for each other. Like, I really do think she needs to address why she drinks so much. And why the fuck she feels like being close to me makes her feel like she’s losing herself. So, if we can’t get through this then we might be in trouble.”
“And you need to deal with your anxious attachment, Rona. Don’t forget that.”
“God, I know. I’ve been saying that for years, but I really will this time. I think I need to go to therapy.”
“Tell that to Lily. Tell her you’re working on yourself. And let her show you she’s willing to change, too. It can’t be all you who’s doing the work.”
I sat back and ran my fingers through my hair. I had a way forward. The Norwegian artist’s record had come to an end. It needed to be flipped over. I really wanted to hear the other side.
“How are you feeling now?” Nell looked at me, kindly.
“I feel like I need a distraction from all this. I love Lily so much, but it has kind of taken over me.”
“That’s a good idea. Why don’t we say yes to DJ’ing at Utopia? They’ve had a cancellation for next Saturday. Didn’t you get the email? I meant to say.”
“I haven’t checked my emails today.”
“Oscar has been saying he wants us to go out for ages, so he might be up for coming out too.”
“You know, that sounds like the best fucking idea I’ve heard all day.”
***
