“I think I need some air,” I sigh. The fresh air, I’m convinced, will clear my head. But truthfully, I think I’m hoping to find Charlie outside, though I know I shouldn’t. I look back over at Sarah. “Thank you, Sarah.”
I slip my gloves back on and walk towards the door, taking a deep breath to compose myself before heading back out.
I make my way toward the promenade. I take great care to avoid the aft of the ship. The views of the deck from the smoking room and lounge would surely provide Edward with an invitation to join me. I am not in the mood to entertain him, or speak to anyone, for that matter. I find a secluded area of the deck, out of sight from any windows, to just lean out over the rail and try to make sense of all my thoughts.
Although in a daze, I can feel a presence behind me. I do not know if it has been seconds or minutes that have passed. Oddly enough, I don’t hear any noise, no swing of a door, nor footsteps or breathing. It’s just as if there is warmth glowing behind me, a sense of kindness and security.
“Alice?” Finally, a light touch to my arm startles me, sending another electric current through my body.
“Charlie,” I whisper. I don’t even feel worthy of speaking his name. I need to get out of this situation. I came out here for mental clarity, but the sight of him clouds my mind even further. It’s like a drug you know you shouldn’t take, but it gives you such relief and pleasure you find yourself unable to leave it. The longer I stand in his presence, the more I will crumble.
He studies my face with concern. “I called your name three times. What’s going through that head of yours?”
“I have to go,” I say coldly as I try to turn away. I hate that I’m using such an empty, lifeless tone to rebuff him. I’m convinced it is what's best for him, though I can’t help but feel guilty.
“Are you unwell? Please let me walk you back to your cabin,” he says. He takes my hand in his to lead me. His voice is so full of concern. Charlie is the epitome of sunshine. He is the bluest skies. And I am a dark storm cloud, bringing only rain and thunder, set on destruction.
“No, please,” I utter as I pull my hand back. My voice becomes anxious as I hyperventilate. “I just… I can’t do this.”
“Do what, Alice?”
“I can’t lie to you anymore.” I pull back and push through the door leading back toward the staircase. I’m convinced that removing the privacy of our conversation will end it; however, I can see Charlie following me through the corridor.
“Alice,” he says in a hushed but worried tone. “Just tell me what's going on!”
“I can’t.” I don’t want to destroy him. I keep walking, hoping I can outmaneuver him. But part of me, deep down, wants him to chase after me. I can’t decide whether the truth or the deception is worse.
“Why? Alice, please. Just tell me,” he pleads as he grabs my arm in the hallway to slow me down.
I sigh and turn to face him. I take one look at his eyes and I break. “Charlie, I have toshowyou. Otherwise, you will never believe me.”
“What?”
“Do you trust me?”
“Alice—”
My voice grows firmer. “I said, do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Then follow me.”
I motion for him to follow my lead back to my cabin. I check the hallway. Luckily, there are no passengers nearby to notice any impropriety. I pull Charlie into my cabin. Sarah has left for the evening, though I’m not sure if that is fortunate or not. It allows me the privacy to speak with Charlie. But it also means there is no one of sound logical mind to pull me back from the ledge right now.
Charlie stands in the room nervously. I can’t tell if he’s nervous about what I could have to tell him, or because he’s alone in a room with me. I pace the room, back and forth, trying to think of the right words to say. Where do I even start? How could I ever expect him to understand or believe me?
Charlie is the first to break the silence between us. “Alice, what is going on?”
“I’m not like everyone else.”
He laughs. “I know that. You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met.”
“No. I mean it.” I stop pacing and take a deep breath. “I’ll tell you everything. But I need you to listen first, okay?”
He nods tentatively. “Okay.”
“I’m not fromthis time.”
