“Aren’t you the one who told me a little risk is good for you? Didn’t you tell me to have some fun?” I try to mitigate the tension in the conversation, but even I know Charlie wasn’t just a little risk or some fun. He was and is so much more than that.
“This is not what I meant and you know it! We can’t risk anyone possibly knowing the truth. What if he found out? Did you even think of that?” Ben scolds me as he follows me into the sitting room.
I stop right in my tracks and turn to face him, he in the doorway and me across the room in front of the fireplace, just a table and chairs separating us.
“I’ve told him everything, Ben.”
“What?!” His voice roars. He’s furious, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so angry.
I shrug apologetically. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t lie to him. It didn’t feel right. He deserves better than that.”
“Do you have any idea what you have done? You’ve put our work into jeopardy! Our safety! For what? A crush?” Ben yells.
“It’s not like that. It’s not a crush. He’s more than that.”
He takes a few steps toward the table, grabbing the top of a chair to lean against. His voice shifts into grave concern. “Al, this isn’t like you.”
I can feel the tears forming. “Ben, you don’t understand. All my life I’ve felt this pressure. It’s like a weight has just been constantly pushing down on my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I don’t know where it came from, or why. Maybe it’s because of my past, or maybe it’s the way I’ve chosen to cope with everything I’ve been through. I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.” I pause to take a breath to collect myself. “But what I do know is that when I’m with Charlie, there’s no weight, no insufferable pressure. It’s just him, and it feels like I’m finally breathing. He makes me feel like I’ve come up for fresh air.”
“Ali, this is dangerous. This was dangerous from the start, but now you’ve made it even more complicated.”
“What am I supposed to do, Ben? Let him go? Letthisgo?” I cry as I clutch at my chest. I can feel myself losing my breath and swirling into a panic.
“This, what? What are you talking about? What isthis?”
“Ben, please—”
“Come on, Ali. You sound like you’re—”
“In love?”
He’s not even looking at me. He sighs and tilts his head, as if that isn’t even a possibility. “Ali…”
“Yes,” I cry. “Ilovehim!” The words surprise me as they escape my lips. But I know it to be true.I love him. I think I’ve always known. I realize how ridiculous this all seems. Can you really fall in love with someone in only four days? Can you belong to someone so wholly it’s as if you were destined to find them? I know attraction and infatuation can be instantaneous, but until now, I never imagined that love could be as well. After all that has transpired since Dr. Conrad’s suspicious note, I’m not sure I know the difference between the possible and the impossible anymore. Perhaps the impossible is just a dream waiting to become possible.
Ben’s voice shifts back toward the angry tone he held earlier, though now it sounds even more furious, if that were even possible. “Love? What do you fucking know about love?”
“What?” My voice snarls.
“You push everyone away! You always have. You wouldn’t know love if it was right in your face.” That was a fucking low blow. He knows exactly what buttons to push to get a rise out of me, and unfortunately, I know the same for him.
“Well, what about you, huh? You had love right in your hands. Someone who wanted to grow old with you and you bolted. At least I’m not running away from it.” I sound petulant and I hate it. I purposely hit Ben where it hurts, and judging from his face, it’s worked. His eyes ignite with rage.
“Yeah? Well, maybe you should! I mean Christ, Ali, he’s walking around with a death sentence for fuck’s sake and you’re avoiding it.”
“How dare you…”
“And when this doesn’t work out, and it won’t because, spoiler alert: the goddamn ship is going to sink, I’m the one that’s gonna have to pick up the pieces!”
“Ben, that’s not fair.” I have never asked him or expected him to take care of me, and his implication that he feels obligated to has me seething.
“None of this is fucking fair!” His voice is thunderous as he slams his fist on the table. His anger startles me and I flinch.
We stand on opposite sides of the room, staring at each other, licking our wounds. I’m wondering which of us will strike next. I don’t want to. I hate myself for the things I’ve said. I knew bringing up Ryan would hurt him, and I did it anyway. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the pain I felt. The tension in the room is so thick, and I don’t know how to break it. All that exists between us is the debris from this explosion of anger and guilt. I want to apologize, take back every hurtful thing I’ve said, but I’m terrified. I feel remorse for what I’ve said, but I don’t feel sorry for what I’ve done. Is there any way to go back to the space we occupied before we deliberately hurt each other? Can we ever look at each other the same again? As angry as I am right now, this right here, this friendship between us, is precious to me. And it is worth protecting.
Before either of us can speak, the tears that have been slowly falling begin to flood. I cup my hand over my mouth and sob, a tipping point of the emotions of the last few days and this heated confrontation. I stand up against the far wall of the sitting room, closest to the promenade. My eyes are closed and I don’t hear Ben move across the room until I feel his arms wrap around me.
“Ali, I’m… so…” His voice is cracked and raw. He can barely get out the words of an apology behind the tears he’s failing to hold back.
