I lean over the desk to turn on my diffuser so my office doesn’t smell like old wet books like the rest of Abbott Hall. “I just feel like there’s something obvious I’m not seeing. I feel so close.”
“Close to what?”
“I don’t know. Justsomething.” His eyes narrow on me, shifting into a doubtful, concerned expression. “What? What's that face for?”
Ben shrugs his shoulders. “I just worry about you, Al.”
I turn to look out the window into the quad, my back facing Ben as I answer. “Why?”
“I worry that you’re hiding in your work.” Ben’s voice sounds nervous, as if he’s afraid to broach the subject with me.
“From what?” I turn around and casually sit down at my desk. I’m trying to appear as nonchalant as possible, as if his concern and worry are entirely misplaced.
“Truth?”
I nod. “Truth.”
Ben exhales. “I think you’re lonely. And I think you’re unhappy.” I lean forward in my chair, ready to defend myself, before Ben continues. “I don’t think you’re depressed or anything like that, or that you feel unfulfilled. But I think you feel like you want more, and you’re afraid to have it. You’re afraid to admit you want something, or that you lack something, because you think it makes you look weak, like you can’t handle things on your own. And you’re afraid that if you had that something more, it would just leave you. So why bother trying? Why bother wanting it at all? And I think you detach from those feelings by hiding in these rabbit holes. If you can solve the world’s mysteries and problems, it will distract you from your own. You think you thrive on being alone, when all you really do is survive.”
“Hmm.” I quickly nod as I assess his diagnosis.
“Did I say too much?” Ben’s face fills with worry, as if he said something too honest and crossed a line with me.
I lean back in my chair. “No, I’m just wondering why I pay Dr. Kassen so much money to analyze me when you hit me pretty good for free.”
Relief seeps into Ben’s face as he realizes that I’m amused, not angry. “I’m sorry if I upset you, Ali. I just want the best for you.”
“I know, Ben. We’re good, I promise. I’ve gotta get to work. The quad at one good for lunch?”
“Perfect. It’s my turn to grab it today. I’ll catch you in a bit.” Ben leaves and heads down toward his office.
Luckily, I don’t have any classes to teach today, so I can just dive straight into research, though I do need to get some grading done at some point. I usually stop and grade papers or tests when I’ve hit a mental roadblock with my research. It feels as though only minutes have gone by when suddenly there’s a knock at my door. I look down at my watch and realize that it's almost twelve forty-five and four hours have passed by. I look up and see Rebecca peering nervously into my office, fumbling with something in her hands.
My eyes drop back down to the article I’ve been reading, not wanting to lose my place. “What is it, Rebecca?”
“Hi, uh, Miss…. sorry. Ali,” she corrects herself before continuing. “I have a note from Dr. Conrad for you.”
Okay, well, that has my attention.I look back up at her, confused. Did I hear her correctly?
“What? Dr. Conrad?”
Like theoretical physicist Dr. Conrad? Ben’s godfather, Dr. Conrad?
“Yes. His secretary came to the front desk and told me to give you this.” She hands me a sealed envelope. I can see the curiosity in her face just eating at her. She seems just as dumbfounded as I am. “She was very adamant that I give it directly to you.”
I cautiously take the envelope, examining it with suspicion. “Uh, thanks Rebecca.” I am beyond confused why he has sent me anything. I’m dying to know what’s inside, but I wait for the eager intern to depart first. I don’t know what this is or why it was sent to me, but the nature of its arrival makes me think it’s quite important and should be kept confidential.
Rebecca leaves the office and the door latches shut. I wait until I hear her footsteps walking down the hall before opening the envelope. I pull out a piece of carefully folded paper. I can see Dr. Conrad’s office stationary and his handwriting.
Come to my office tonight at 8.
Bring Ben.
Destroy this.
Tell no one.
What the fuck?
