I bury my head in his chest and weep. Suddenly the words of Dr. Conrad radiate through my mind, maybe even through my heart.Anything you’re holding will come back with you.
I look at Ben and repeat the phrase out loud this time, speaking it both to him and to myself. “Anything you’re holding will come back with you?” I repeat it as a question, almost surprised this idea never occurred to me before now.
“Ali, you can’t be serious.” His face looks worried. He knows what I’m suggesting, though Charlie looks at me in confusion.
I turn back to Charlie. “Come with me.”
Ben interjects. “Ali, remember the consequences. We can’t change history.”
I turn back toward Ben frantically. All logic and reason have left my body. I just want him. I want us. “It would work! He doesn’t have any family left, it wouldn’t change anything. Please!”
Ben looks at Charlie helplessly. He doesn’t have the heart to stop me and I think he knows I’m beyond a place he can pull me back from on his own.
Charlie pulls my arm back toward him. “Alice, I can’t change my fate. I’m meant to stay here.”
“Why can’t you? Why can’t anyone change their fate? You’remeantto be with me. Charlie, please, comehome.” I look up at him, my eyes flooded with tears. “I don’t want to be without you.”
Charlie takes my hands in his. “You never will be, Alice. From the moment…” Charlie’s voice breaks. “From the moment I met you, the moment our hands touched on the suitcase, I knew my heart was yours. Wherever I am, wherever you are, it’s yours. Keep hold of it and I’ll always be with you.”
He turns to Ben and extends his hand out. “Take care of her, Ben.” Ben nods, shakes his hand, and takes a step back, allowing us a final moment to say goodbye.
He gently brushes a wisp of hair from my face. “My Alice,” he says sweetly. He kisses me one last time. My hand wraps around his neck, his hair between my fingers. I can feel his tears drop onto my cheeks as our foreheads press together. He pulls back, looks into my eyes and smiles, before disappearing into the chaos of the panicked crowd. I feel my entire world crumble around me. I search the crowd for one last look at him, to no avail. There is far too much mayhem on deck. He has disappeared into the crowd as if he never existed at all. I’m almost relieved I couldn’t see him walk away, that my last memory of him is the kindness in his smile and the warmth in his eyes. Instead of fear or sadness, his face only conveyed gratitude and affection.
I just can’t believe he’s really gone.
Chapter Twenty-Six
The Scientist by Coldplay
April 15, 1912
Officers are frantically loading passengers into lifeboats as members of the orchestra play somber yet comforting melodies on deck. The juxtaposition of something so beautiful existing amongst such devastation seems to embody the experience I have had this week perfectly. I’ve experienced something so beautiful and profound amongst an unimaginable tragedy.
Ben grabs my arm, pulling me back toward reality. “Ali, we’ve got to move.”
I know he’s right. The ship feels unsteady beneath my feet. But I feel anchored to the spot in which I stand. I have no momentum or desire to get to safety. I only feel emptiness. I am surrounded by thousands of scared people, and yet I feel utterly alone. Ben looks back at me, quickly assessing the sorrow on my face. He sees my despondence, and without hesitation, he effortlessly scoops me up into his arms and makes his way back to the pathway toward our deck.
He pushes through the crowds with me buried in his chest, with my hands wrapped around his neck. I can only imagine the physical taxation on him as he essentially swims against the current. Once we get inside near the reception room, he puts me down. B-Deck is flooding. I can feel the icy water crawling up my hemline, making my dress heavy.
Ben turns and puts his hands on my shoulders, both steadying me and pulling me back into the moment. “Ali, I need you to walk from here. Can you do that for me?”
I nod through my tears. As hopeless as I feel, I don’t want to do anything that could jeopardize Ben’s safety. I would never forgive myself if I let anything happen to him. As much as I don’t want to leave, as much as I wish I was back with Charlie, I know it’s necessary to go. I may not have the strength to do this for myself, but Icando this for Ben. Take a step, put one foot in front of the other, and do the next right thing. I know it’s what Charlie would want me to do.
Ben takes my hand in his, and we make our way down the hall toward our staterooms. We enter the suite through my room. The adjoining doors to the sitting room and Ben’s room are all open, and Sarah and Eric are hustling back and forth, rushing to pack everything they can back into the trunks. He leads me toward the sitting room, which has become our departure location. Ben moves quickly to help load items onto the luggage cart we used to board the ship.
I stand in the middle of the chaos, unable to move or feel anything. Though it is a muffled sound, I can hear their voices as they pass each other our belongings. It’s as if the world continues on around me, but I feel unable to stop it. They’re all hurrying, and yet to me it feels like slow motion. Like I’m watching it happen, but I’m not really here.
Sarah walks toward me and gently takes my hands into hers. “I’ve packed all your things, Ali,” she says sympathetically. I can hear her speaking to me, but I somehow can’t push words through my tears. All I can do is nod and vacantly stare. She gives me a sad smile, as if she understands I appreciate her help but cannot find the words to express it. I just don’t have anything left in me to give.
Eric pulls the cart full of luggage into the sitting room where I stand. Sarah follows behind him and checks it over, making sure every item is packed and ready. They each check over the staterooms once more to make sure nothing has been forgotten. It feels like we’re hastily checking out of a hotel, minutes before our time is up and we’re running around taking every bit of free soap.
I can hear the screams of chaos and confusion on the decks above us, through the open windows on the private promenade. I feel guilty having an easy way out and not even wanting to take it.
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see the dinner table on the promenade, still set from my date with Charlie. It feels like just moments ago we were still living in that haze together. Part of me wants to run right now, while they’re all preoccupied, and go find Charlie. Steal one more moment with him. But it’s just delaying the inevitable. I’ll end up right back here. Ben’s eyes stay on me as he moves between the rooms, as if he too is worried I’ll make a run for it. I think he can see the wheels slowly turning behind my vacant eyes and knows what I’m thinking of doing.
As they move around me, I think about what's brought me to this moment. What started as an opportunity to time travel in history has changed the course of my life. I came here to conduct research on the Titanic, the history of the experience and the story of its demise. Instead, I found something quite different. I found love. It was not something I intended to find, here or anywhere really, but the moment I saw him, I knew something special was happening. I tried to deny my feelings, that it was just some kind of intense attraction to forbidden fruit. But I realize now that the moment our eyes locked while grabbing the same suitcase, it was as if something in our souls locked as well.
I was meant to find him, meant to love him. I can lay the blame on fate's doorstep. Fate brought me here to him, and fate is cruelly taking him away.
