The pit that has been knotting itself up in my stomach is quickly making its way to my throat. I couldn’t form words to answer, even if I wanted to. My mouth feels wired shut. I’m desperate for air, water, and someone to snap me awake from whatever this is.
Before either of us can say anything, Dr. McCoy takes the reins. “We want to send a team back to the Titanic to understand what happened. There have been so many theories over the years, you know that, Alice. Eyewitness testimony can be skewed by many things, emotion and even financial gain or notoriety.”
I have to admit he isn’t wrong. There have been constantly changing theories about what happened. Many have argued that there was a flaw in the blueprints or shipbuilding. Others have insisted that the tragedy could have been avoided by attempting to go through the iceberg instead of around it. Some have floated simply outlandish conspiracies that the Titanic was swapped with her sister ship, the Olympic, prior to sailing. I know that the idea of being able to watch history unfold in person is fascinating, and the opportunity of a lifetime.
“Our plan,” Dr. McCoy continued, “is to send the four of you back in time to Southampton, where you will board the Titanic’s doomed maiden voyage. We will send you there with the necessary materials to collect data to bring back for study. We’ve even worked with a design team to create items with hidden cameras for you to use. You would have everything accurate to the time, all the latest fashions and accessories.”
“How is this safe?” I finally ask. As usual, my brain goes right to the worst-case scenario. We die. Time travel doesn’t work properly. We all turn to dust. No re-entry.
Dr. Conrad steps forward and rests his hands down on the table. “Look, I know what we’re asking of you guys. And I know how crazy this sounds. But please consider it. There are, of course, risks with anything. We’ve had several successful trials of sending people back days and weeks in the past. I can’t tell you anything else until you agree. We can’t risk this information getting out. We’ll give you a few minutes to make a decision before we go deeper into the details, but this offer has a half life of about ten minutes.”
Dr. Conrad and Dr. McCoy exit the room. The room is silent. We all stare at each other, waiting for someone to make the first move and break the awkward silence.
Ben finally breaks open the silence and laughs. “See, I told you they wanted to run tests on us.” I suppose in a way he was spot on with that hypothesis, they are essentially asking us to be guinea pigs in an elaborate experiment.
He looks at me expectantly, as I’m always the first to cave in and laugh at him. Surprisingly, Sarah and Eric follow and we’re all chuckling over the madness that was just presented to us. Sarah and Eric obviously knew of the plan before we did, but I think hearing it all laid out, even they could see how utterly insane it is.
Ben scoots up in his chair to a more professional posture, clasping his hands together as if he’s leading a board meeting. “Alright. So I guess we should discuss this, huh?”
“Well, Eric and I have both already signed on, so it’s down to the two of you to discuss,” Sarah answers, confirming my suspicion that they knew about everything prior to this meeting.
Ben shifts sideways in his chair, now speaking only to me, and props his head into his hand. “Alright, Al. What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know. This is crazy.” I shake my head in disbelief. “They know this is crazy, right?” I’m still completely floored that this is what this meeting was about. This was not on my bingo card for today.
“Well, I’m going,” Ben says confidently. “This sounds like an adventure.” There’s an air of excitement in his voice.
“You’ve got to be kidding, right? You’ll go, just like that? It’s that easy for you?”
I am astonished that he is willing to dive headfirst without any semblance of thought. It’s like he’s blindly jumping off a diving board, and hasn't even bothered to check if the pool below is full of water or cement. He's always been the fearless one, jumping from airplanes, swimming with sharks, even going on blind dates. Everything that terrifies me excites him. I don’t understand it, and yet I envy it too.
“Absolutely, Al. Come on, come with me. Take a risk. For once in your life, take a goddamn risk.” He’s smiling at me, but his eyes and the tone of his voice are pleading. Before I can even play devil's advocate and explain everything that could go wrong or why this is such a terrible idea, Ben continues making his case. “Look, I get it. It’s scary. And maybe it’s insane. But what’s the point of a life if you don’t live it? Stop going through your life alive but not living. You’ll regret this if you don’t go, Ali. Jump with me. Your life is happening without you. Do something crazy, something wild, something stupid. Just live, Al.”
I sit back in the office chair, close my eyes, and begin swiveling back and forth, mulling over my options.
I could go. Literally travel back in time. Can I handle that? Can I travel to one of the worst disasters the world has ever seen and just be a tourist? Just stand there and watch it unfold like a movie when I know how the film ends? I can’t stop it. I can’t help anyone. I have to interact with people, get to know them, all with the knowledge of knowing they might die and I possess the ability to prevent it. I know the consequences of altering history. I know it could cause catastrophic changes to the world and potentially eliminate generations.
On the other hand, I could just stay here. Politely decline and leave this room and this opportunity behind me. Move on with my life as if this offer never happened. Continue my research. Maybe make a tremendous impact in my field. But maybe not. Maybe I’ll just continue life as I always have. Safe, but surviving. Just keeping my head above water.
I am cautious, maybe even to a fault. I’ve always lived my life afraid of choosing the wrong path. The reality in front of me now is that I’ve actually been afraid of choosinganything. Afraid to jump, afraid to hope, afraid to fall, afraid to live, really. Maybe the thing to be afraid of isn’t stepping out of line, it’s not stepping at all. At least if I’ve made a mistake, I’ve madesomething. This fear inside me is a paralyzing force. I think the thing I’m afraid of most of all is wasting my life. Getting to the end of my days and realizing they’ve all been half full. I mean, what do I have to show for myself right now? Sure, I’ve been through a lot over the years. Life has beaten me up and down with loss, but I’ve also experienced great triumph. I have a great job, a career I genuinely enjoy being a part of. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If that's true, then how would one define doing nothing at all? It might be safe, but it’s not fulfilling. Is that what I want my life to be? Predictable? Just keeping my head above the water? It’s exhausting, kicking and kicking, just to stay afloat. Years from now, could I live with myself for passing up the chance to not only view history but preserve it? Could I stand by while someone else takes this opportunity instead of me? And what about the person who does take that opportunity? Would they have honorable intentions?
I finally open my eyes, stare at the ceiling for a moment, and sit up straight in my chair. I look over at Ben, who is still facing me with his hands clasped together. I take one last deep breath.
“I’m in.”
Chapter Five
Mind Is A Prison by Alec Benjamin
Dr. Conrad re-enters the room with more paperwork and waivers for us all to sign. I’m not really sure what the waivers are good for. I can’t sue anyone if I die time traveling to the Titanic, but I sign it anyway. I’m in a daze over what I’ve agreed to do. Everything is moving in a whirlwind. Did I seriously just say I’d go? Holy shit, I did. I know I’ve made the right decision, but I still can’t believe I actually agreed to it. This is risky, maybe even morally gray. But I can’t let this chance fall into the hands of anyone who wouldn’t honor and respect it. What if someone else attempted to alter history for their own personal gain? At least I just want to listen and learn.
He starts by laying out a schedule for us. We’ll spend the next month preparing and studying before we travel. Dr. Conrad has created an Edwardian 101 curriculum to prepare us. He gives us a schedule of times we need to meet. We will learn all we can to fit into 1912 customs smoothly and without suspicion. Ben minored in theater while at university, so I have a feeling he will adapt easily. I know the history of the period well. But the idea of performing like a proper lady terrifies me.
There are four cardboard boxes neatly stacked on a table. Dr. Conrad distributes them to the four of us as Dr. McCoy begins instruction. “Take these home with you and begin studying. In the box you’ll find books and newspaper articles on national and global events in 1912. There are books on proper etiquette and language of the time and popular culture. Sarah and Alice, there is additional information in your boxes on the fashion of the period and the responsibilities and interests of women.”
Once we all have our boxes in hand, Dr. Conrad motions to dismiss us. “Okay team, as you can see on your schedules, we’re going to be meeting daily. I know this is a lot to learn in a short amount of time, but I know you can do it. I must emphasize the importance of keeping this information confidential.”
As we turn to leave the room, Dr. Conrad calls back to us, “Oh, and guys? Thank you again, truly. We are so grateful to all of you. See you tomorrow.”
