Sam’s brow smoothed. For the first time since I’d sat down, he looked more like the calm one. “Ellie. Trust me. Nothing you say will scare me.”
I think I knew that. But I’d spent my whole life holding back. Keeping my heart on ice, even as I tried to open up to people. But I was done now. This was the big thaw. “Sam,” I said. “I told you I made a rule about dating after what happened with my ex.”
“Yes, and it makes sense.”
“To me it does. It did. But it wasn’t fair to tell you that and then turn around and—” I hand-waved. “You know.”
“Blow my mind with hot sex?” Sam offered.
My cheeks heated, but I laughed. “Yeah, that.” My smile fell. “But it’s not just about sex for me, Sam. And… I don’t think it is for you, either.” My heart pounded. “Right?”
I was still holding his hand, but now, Sam shifted them so he was holding mine. “Ellie. We had sex the first night we met. Even knowing how incredible it was with you, that’s not what I think about when I remember that night. Not anymore, anyway.” He grinned a little sheepishly. Then he started massaging my hand, right where it always ached.
“What do you think about?” I whispered.
“I think about how I probably knew, in some way, that Iwas a goner for you when you laughed at whatever it was I said down in the bar that night. That laugh, it was genuine. Like you didn’t have an agenda. Actually, like you didn’t trust me, but you still…” He laughed a little ruefully. “You still liked me.”
“I’ve always liked you, Sam,” I said. “That’s never been the problem. The problem is I didn’t know how to let myself have more. I still don’t know. But what I wanted to tell you was… I’m willing to give it a try.”
Sam’s hands stilled on mine. “What are you saying, Ellie?”
“I’m saying I want to sleep with you again, Sam.”
He didn’t laugh.
I looked down, my heart jackhammering in my chest. “I’m saying I want to let you in, Sam. I want to be more than friends. I want to let myself—” I looked up, meeting his eyes. “I want to let myself dream of the future again, only the one I truly want. One where you’re with me, too.”
Sam let out a long breath. He held my palm over his, closing his other hand on top. “Well, that’s great.”
“Great?” My heart beat sideways.
“Yeah, great. Because I’m in love with you, Ellie. Head over fucking heels.”
My chest felt like it was exploding. Like the fireworks that were supposed to be tonight were going off right behind my ribcage.
“Well that’s great,” I whispered, repeating his bland adjective. I shifted my hand to his chest, feeling the thump of his heart under my palm. I slid my other hand around the back of his shoulders, shifting closer to him on the couch. “Because I think I love you too, Sam.”
Sam’s hands gripped my face, his eyes wide. “Ellie. Tell me you’re not just saying that.”
I laughed, my eyes growing wet. “Sam, do I seem like the kind of person who’d make that up?”
He shook his head. “No. I know you wouldn’t. It’s just all my fucking dreams are coming true so you know, I need to kick the tires a little to make sure?—”
“Be sure,” I whispered. “I’m handing you my heart on a silver platter. So be sure, Sam. Please.”
He nodded. “Right. Yes. I…uh… I’m going to kiss you now.”
“Is that all?”
He shook his head. “Nope. We have three hours and”—he squinted at the clock inside—“sixteen minutes. I’m going to use every single one making you remember who loves you, El.”
I laughed. But then it was gone, swept away in the biggest, sappiest, softest, most sparks-filled kiss of my life.
I was in love. I could admit that now. I could also admit that what I felt before for anyone else paled compared to this. What I’d felt before was attachment. Fear. A desperate desire to be loved back. But this? Having Sam love me back was a gift. A brilliant, incredible, breathtaking gift to be sure. But it was me loving him completely that felt like the real gift. To love someone all the way, knowing you’d survive no matter the outcome—that was how I knew I was the biggest winner here.
Sam pulled away, looking into my eyes.
“I love you,” I whispered, trying it out. Seeing how it felt. I laughed, my tears flowing freely now. It felt like everything.
