Vigilance
ELLIE
Itried not to listen. Really, I did. And for the most part, if I stayed on the far end of the kitchen, I couldn’t hear them anyway. But Sam and Henry’s chattering was extremely cute. I kept making extra trips to the sink, emptying my container of peelings into the compost bin a little more frequently than was necessary.
The first time, they stopped talking as I got within hearing distance. Not because they saw me, but because they were deeply focused on the block tower Sam was making for Henry. He was piling up a single column of blocks into a wobbly tower as Henry looked on, mouth slack. Each time Sam got another block on top, he let out this exaggerated exhale, which made Henry giggle and flap his hands.
“Ba!” Henry exclaimed, which I think was his way of telling Sam to add another block.
“Are you sure?” Sam sounded skeptical. He was lying on his side, propped up on one elbow, his long lean form looking relaxed. One ankle rested on the other. He reached up with a block in hand. “This could be the one that ends it all.”
“Ba!”
Sam shook his head. “Okay. If you say so.”
Henry giggled.
My heart went a little gooey. Which felt… strange. Unexpected.
Sam looked up, his lips ticking into a smile when he saw me.
I felt my cheeks flush.
I smiled politely back, then returned to the cutting board, out of view. The point of tonight was to let them do their thing, and for me to get some stuff done while I could. Period. Not for my hormones to get the wrong message.
An explosion of sound followed as the blocks collapsed.
“Nooooo!” exclaimed Sam.
Henry laughed so hard I couldn’t help laughing myself.
Then I remembered what was happening, and pulled my mouth back into a pursed, tight line.
Last night, I called Kit in a panic after I’d gotten Henry down. I told her I’d invited Sam over, but with the visit looming the next day, I’d been suddenly sure it was a terrible idea. “I’m going to cancel.”
I could practically hear Kit’s frown over the phone. “Ellie, It’s not like you’re going to be able to put him off forever.”
I knew that. I knew I needed to give the two of them a chance at getting to know each other. But I closed the door on having him be involved when I couldn’t reach him. “This is all so… unplanned,” I said.
Kit was silent. She was clearly biting her tongue.
“I know what you’re thinking,” I’d said.
“Oh really?”
“Yeah. That I don’t need to know what’s going to happen.”
Her voice carried a laugh. “Exactly.”
I harrumphed. “I’ll have you know I used to be a muchmore spontaneous person. Having a baby who shits his pants like a grown man necessitates a little planning.”
She’d laughed, and while Ihadmeant it to be funny, it wasn’t untrue. My life required planning. I needed to ensure I had care for Henry before accepting new clients, and then, that they were good with me working shorter hours. I needed to be able to get to Greenville on time to pick Tommy up from school so he didn’t have room to get into trouble getting home himself. I couldn’t easily dash to the store if I forgot something, so shopping and errands needed to be carefully tracked and planned.
I needed to be vigilant about all aspects of my life so nothing went sideways, so plan shifts like suddenly inviting Sam into my life felt incongruous, even if it was helpful.
Especially when I needed to have neutral feelings about him.
But every time he looked at me, I felt like I’d received a little electrical shock. And looking at him and Henry? It wasn’t good.
