Okay, so Ellie was right—itwasweird between us. But it was mewho’d made things weird—I’d tried tohigh fiveher like she was a fucking bro.
Right after that had happened, Conrad pulled into his driveway. He’d asked me point blank as I was getting into my truck why I looked like I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there. When I told him about the high five, he’d tried so hard not to laugh I was pretty sure he was going to slip a disk or something.
But as I drove home that night, I knew it was more than that. I’d shown up to hang out with Henry and somehow managed to bring up his conception. Again.
As I pulled into my parking stall that night, I groaned, sliding down low into the seat. I’d pressed my hands over my forehead. Then I’d called Cora, who’d talked me down off the ledge. “Sam. She’s making it crystal clear what she wants from you. You have to respect her decision.”
“Of course I’ll respect her decision,” I’d said, more than a little incensed she’d think I wouldn’t.
But now, heading to the park we were meeting at, I think I understood what my sister meant. She meant I needed to tuck away all the confusing feelings I had around Ellie. Because if I didn’t, I was going to jeopardize my chance at a relationship with Henry.
I’d never do that. And Icouldbe friends with Ellie. I’d had plenty of women friends over the years. In fact, what the fuck did I know about being anything elsebesidesfriends? All my relationships were short-lived, easily ended with a plane ticket to somewhere new.
So yeah, friends. Friends was definitely best.
The place we’d decided to meet at was halfway between Quince Valley and Greenville, right on the river, surrounded by trees. There was a playground and covered picnic area on one end and a slightly tired-looking gazebo on the other.
As I swung into a parking spot, the family in the picnic area swiveled around to see what vehicle was making the godawful noise. It was my truck of course, which looked and sounded like a piece of shit but actually ran just fine, thanks to all theAutoScoreparts Brett had put in it before selling it to me for a dime.
I gave the strangers a wave as I hopped out. “Nice day, huh!” I called.
They nodded politely, then turned back to their food.
Okay then.
It wasn’t actually that nice a day; it was overcast and a little windy, and the clouds on the horizon looked heavy and gray. But it felt apt considering my mood.
I paced the edge of the parking lot, tucking the bag of sandwiches I’d brought under my arm. I peered into the trees to where the paved path we were going to take a walk on wove through the surrounding forest. It wasn’t supposed to rain, but if it did, hopefully we’d have enough coverage in the trees.
Fuck. Why did it have to look like rain?
When Ellie’s minivan rounded the corner, my stomach did a whole flip. Still, I waved casually.
“Hey!” My stomach continued to do a gymnastics routine as Ellie parked next to me.
Friends. We’re trying to be friends.
It was really fucking hard to remember that as she got out.
The wind tossed her hair against her cheek and wrapped the pretty yellow jumpsuit thing she was wearing against her curves. I wished it wasn’t spring. Why couldn’t it be the middle of winter, when we’d be in big puffy coats, our faces hidden under scarves? I wished, when my therapist had suggested I find some good-feeling memories to buoy me through my darkest moments, that I hadn’t gone straight to that weekend with Ellie, thinking it was safe and contained. I wished the memory of her had burned brighter than she did in real life, instead of the opposite, so I didn’t have to fight not to feel things for her every time I saw her.
I wished she wasn’t so pretty.
I wished she wasn’t so cool and smart and funny.
I wished a lot of things.
When Ellie smiled—even just politely, like she was doing right now—I felt like my insides were coming apart.
“Hi Sam.”
Those dark gray clouds felt like they were pulsing in my periphery.Don’t do anything stupid, bucko.
Ellie brushed her arms with her hands. “I should have brought a sweater.”
Her outfit was long-sleeved but looked kind of thin.
“I can give you mine?” I said it without a second thought.
