I held my breath, waiting for his response.
Sam thought about it, then said, “Maybe a little.”
My heart tilted sideways.
“There was this one time I flipped the breaker when Cora was playing Ouija with her friends at a sleepover,” he said. “They were all screaming, and it was funny, until I realized they were actually crying and her friends were asking to go home. I felt so bad I confessed. Then I let them egg me out in the backyard to convince them to stay.”
I laughed, my heart loosening. “Sam, that isnottorture.”
“I dunno, Cora still brings it up sometimes. Punches me every time.”
“I bet you looked out for her, didn’t you?”
“I tried. I couldn’t protect her from everything.”
The way he said that, with just a hint of self-loathing,made it sound like he looked at protecting the ones he loved less like a duty and more like an inherent part of his character.
“Are you guys close now?” I asked.
Sam looked over at me. “Well… I told her about you.”
My stomach flipped again.Which part?
But he didn’t elaborate. “I think maybe I can eat now. If you don’t mind passing me the other sandwich.”
He was looking away, but when I pulled out the second sandwich, peeling the wrapping off of it for him so he could manage with one hand, I couldn’t stop thinking about those words.I told her about you.
A hundred questions burned on my tongue.What did you tell her, Sam? Was it just about the baby? Or did you talk to her about me, too? How do you really feel? About me; about this; about us?
Also:Why did you leave me? What happened?
Sam wasn’t looking at me now. He was looking out at the rain, which had slowed to a trickle. I wondered if he wanted to tell me something he couldn’t. Something I’d told him I didn’t want. Something I think might have been a lie I was telling myself in the hopes I’d believe it.
“Sam,” I said softly. “Your sandwich.”
He turned, his eyes on the food.
When he reached for it, our fingers brushed, and I swear I was this close to letting out a sound better fit for a touch somewhere else. But the sparks between us.God,that electricity. It was unnerving.
It was also unwanted, and unfair.
But that was a lie too, wasn’t it? Because when his eyes met mine, I felt my insides melt like a piece of wire attached to the wrong connection. Like too much heat was coming too fast, and I was liable to short circuit. And as his pupils broadened the same way they had in the kitchen, I wondered if maybe,despite him fully agreeing to the friend thing, if he was thinking of something similar.
CHAPTER 15
The Man in Red
SAM
FIFTEEN MONTHS AGO
The first thing I remember seeing was red. Then black again. I couldn’t breathe. Then I was coughing. No, throwing up.
Both. Water ejected itself from my mouth. My esophageal muscles squeezed, causing a chain reaction all through my body. I curled up like a comma, coughing until I couldn’t anymore. Then I sucked in a long, sharp breath.
Something hit me in the back. It had been hitting me the whole time. Someone’s palm.
People spoke over me. Two voices, speaking low.
