Sam had the surgery without anyone knowing who he was. After that, he’d had the unlucky fortune of picking up an infection, where he almost died again, since he was still recovering from the surgery.
“It was a month before I could speak properly. I told them my sister’s name. Said she was in Singapore. Then she was there.”
Sam reached his hand into his pocket, pulling something out I couldn’t see. “I was messed up for a long time Ellie.”
“That’s why you started therapy.” I understood now why he might not have unpacked some of his childhood stuff yet with his therapist. He had more recent trauma to deal with.
He nodded. “I couldn’t get over that idea that it didn’t make sense that I got to live. My friends—even with the little they had, they had more promising lives than I did. They could have had a life together.” He opened his hand, showing me the thing he’d pulled out of his pocket. It was a tiny little Troll doll. A child’s trinket.
It’s what he’d had in his hand that first day we met, before he knew I’d spotted him. The thing he sometimes held in his hand in his pocket.
“The last thing I remember was Ulli’s eyes on me, this in his hand, next to mine. He held onto this thing because Mirabelle gave it to him. This stupid little thing.” His eyes met mine. “He never told her he loved her.”
My chest squeezed painfully for these people I never knew.But it also ached for the pain Sam had been carrying around with him this whole time.
“I’m so sorry, Sam,” I whispered.
He squeezed the little doll. Then he set it down on the coffee table. “I couldn’t find any family of Mirabelle’s. But I reached out to Ulli’s in Germany. Told them I knew him, and he’d died protecting the woman he loved.” Sam swallowed. “I also found out James had been killed. I got obsessed, for a while, with trying to find him, and then there he was in this tiny little article, his tattoo peeking out from his shirt.” He looked at me, his eyes hollow like they had been when we first met. “Dr. Hassan asked me how it made me feel, knowing he was gone.”
When he didn’t say anything, I said, “Howdoyou feel?”
“I don’t know. I don’t feel happy. I feel like I wish he’d had someone taking care ofhimso he hadn’t ever done those monstrous things. Same with whoever else he was involved with. It just feels so fucking pointless.”
I rested my hand on his arm.
“Sam,” I said after a few minutes, “you said their lives were promising. But yours is promising too. I’m glad you’re here. I know my boys are too.”
Sam’s eyes met mine. They were full again. And they were wet.
An aching warmth spread behind my sternum, like a rare rose had finally received enough sun to bloom. Outside, a soft wind blew, rustling the leaves on the tree there. Sam had kept it open after I’d gone downstairs. I could feel that breeze now, kissing my face. It blew through me, sending petals fluttering.
Sam laughed softly, like he was embarrassed he was crying. If it were me, I’d be a snotty mess.
He looked up at the ceiling. “I have to tell you something, Ellie.”
“Anything.”
“Last year, when I first got back home, I was in a really bad place. My thoughts were dark, most of the time. I was staying in that room in my parents’ basement. I could hardly eat. I slept most of the day.” He swallowed, looking at the doll on the table. Then his eyes shifted to me. “There was something that could sometimes bring me out of it though, for these brief little moments. You know, like, when a cloud moves and the sun finally shines again.” He scratched his eyebrow with his thumb. “I told my therapist about it and he said I should hold that memory close. Use it as my reminder that life could still be good.”
My heart skipped in my chest. “What was it?” I whispered.
Sam’s hand dropped to his chest. He met my eyes. “It was you, Ellie. Remembering you.”
My heart flipped with a loud thud I was pretty sure echoed across the room. Especially since I’d ceased breathing.
“That weekend we spent together,” Sam continued, “It was perfect to me. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again, so I held it up like this shining, golden thing; a piece of joy safe in my heart. It saved me, Ellie. You saved me. So… thank you.”
“I didn’t do anything,” I whispered.
He took my hand, pressing it to his chest. “Yes you did. You gave me the privilege of being with you.”
I laughed, though I wasn’t smiling. I was crying.
“Rude awakening you got now,” I whispered. “Kids and work and?—”
But Sam was shaking his head. “Ellie, that’s the thing. I still feel it now. But it’s a thousand times brighter. Every time you smile at me, I remember there’s good in this world. And when I look at our son—” he cut himself off, audibly swallowing, like he was trying to control his emotions. “I can hardly breathe, he's so perfect. You and Henry, and Tommy too…Whenever I’m with your family, it feels like whatever’s up there is reminding me that life can be so brutal. But that it can beso rich, too. So full and made with this indescribable kind of love. Like sometimes we get to see Heaven right here on earth.”
My heart was pounding now, thumping around like a caged animal in my chest.
